The Journey from Deathto Life

10For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried.[] 11Thou broughtest us into the net; thou laidst affliction upon our loins.[] 12Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.

Psalms 66:10-12

I feel  the need to share certain issues relating to widowhood in Nigeria. Actually it's something I've wanted to do since last year. I guess the time is right. I remember after I wrote my book someone from my mum's church wrote me and commended me for writing the book. He then raised issues that are very real for many widows in Nigeria. His was a very encouraging letter and the issues he raised very important. He suggested I expand the book to touch on areas not reflected in the book. These are some of the issues he raised mostly they were questions he felt needed answers that would be helpful for others.

1) Many families accuse the wives of killing the husband and subject them to all sorts of things like taking the woman naked and shaven to a shrine to prove their innocence.What was your experience?

2) Did he (my husband) have a will? What happened to the family's  ( referring to our nuclear family) property or his property. In many African cultures the husbands family take everything leaving the wife and children with nothing.

3) Supposing you don't have a job how will you cope? Does the family help support you and the children?

4) In situations were the man's family had objected to the marriage after his death there is the likelihood of the woman being thrown out of the house possibly with her children.  (know the after all you are not our wife thing).

5) In some cases a living relative of the man inherits the wife.  Suppose this happens to you what will you do. (Me ....... not my portion) what can other women faced with this do?

6) What about remarriage? Have you ever considered it? You have four children, what will you do if this situation arises for you.  If not how will you cope with remaining single?

7) How do you cope with mischievous men who come around to cheat? They pretend to want to help but have sinister motives.

8)  Can we have a listing of your thoughts without suppressing or keeping anything away. What is your perception of life since his demise.

9)  Where you relatively independent or were you 100% dependent on him? What about widows who were 100% dependent on the man?

Basically these were his thoughts and comments not verbatim but  I really appreciated  him but didn't know the avenue that would be open for me to address the questions. Didn't know I'd have a blog. If you are a Nigerian reading this or even African many of these issues will not be new but if you are not you may almost freak out at the thought of some of the things  mentioned Lol. Anyway I will be addressing these and other issues in the blog in the weeks ahead.

My desire is to help someone somewhere so i will be as open as possible. I want you to know that because you are a widow doesn't mean you are a door mat. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. After your husband's death you have the right to mourn him as you choose after all the relationship you shared was unique to the two of you. You are also free underGod to live a full and purposeful life. Don't let anyone or anything rob you of the privilege of living a good life.

Over and over again I say this - loosing a spouse is not a small thing it's a major alteration of your life and people can't even begin to understand the impact it has on you it takes only the grace of God to make. So I really don't get it when people make it more difficult. My question is why? Why? why? Some of the issues I will also share are;

1) Do widows face any form of stigmatization

2) Where does a christian widow draw the line on traditional practices like cutting her hair, not going out or seeing the sun for sometime etc.

3) Why do some churches not allow the casket to be brought into the church in fact the corpse should not come near the church premises.

4) Dealing with religious Judgmental people and those who suffer from 'verbal diarrhea'

5) What is the role of the church beyond the Christmas and Easter rice?

While a number of the issues are peculiar to Nigerians others are universal. I titled this 'series' if you may , The Journey from Death to Life because widowhood is a journey that begins as a result of your husbands death and the above listed things and so much more are the things you deal with to get to a point where you can live again. It is a difficult journey you are tried like silver, go through affliction, fire and water but  I encourage you to follow Jesus as He pilots you through whatever issues you face till He brings you to your wealthy place. Your place of abundance and restoration.

Do Not be Discouraged

2 Corinthians 4:16-18Amplified Bible (AMP)

16 Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day.

17 For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!],

18 Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.

Amplified Bible (AMP)

The Apostle Paul was one man that faced a number of discouraging situations in his life. He understood the possibility  of becoming discouraged, exhausted physically and emotionally, worn out and utterly spiritless.  Frankly many of us can relate with Paul in this. As I type this post I am so tired and feel drained from the activities that have summed up my life in the last month. There has been so much to do( there still is) sometimes I don't know where to start and what to do next but somehow I have managed to keep going. Other times I have felt so overwhelmed and discouraged not knowing how to accomplish my multiple tasks. I realize that part of the pressure I feel is because I have to do things alone. Over the past three years i have combined my husband's role and responsibility in the family with mine coupled with church and other responsibilities i sometimes feel I can't do this.

There are more than enough problem in this  world  to discourage anyone and for a widow it can be overwhelming.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is one passage of scripture that has ministered tremendously to me especially in the first year after my husband went home. I was encouraged because whatever I am going through is 'momentary' Paul says it is 'light and a slight distress.....Hmnn not to sure about that Apostle Paul because it does seem quite heavy and intense. But then compared to the glory that awaits us he is right. He says we are to expect an everlasting weight of glory that is beyond all measure, comparison and all calculations. It's really something to look forward to.

I felt like sharing these verses with the hope that the Holy Spirit will minister to you and replace every discouragement with hope Be assured that God is mindful of you in all the challenges of life and the grief. Do not focus on the problems  because they are temporary and will pass but look to the things that are not seen because they are deathless and everlasting. Beyond all the hopes we have for a blessed and fulfilled life here on earth we can be encouraged that one day we will also cross over to eternity to be reunited with our loved ones forever. A place where there will never be sickness, accidents, failures, affliction, sorrow or death. It will just be glory, joy unspeakable, peace and rest from all struggles.

I pray for you that the Lord will renew your inner man and strengthen you. May He grant you his peace in the midst of your storms and meet all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Amen

Gratitude

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1Thessalonians  5:18

Many years ago my mum read out the content of a letter she had received from a Baptist missionary family. They had been family friends in Jos, North Central  Nigeria and even after they left had kept in touch. This family had been through a lot, as a  child, their daughter's class mate pulled away a chair she was going to sit on and she fell on the floor. What was meant to be an innocent prank led to her being paralyzed from the waist down.  From then on, Her life was characterized with surgeries, pain and I guess some level of limitations i.e not being able to move around normally etc. Well  in this letter written by her mom or her around Christmas time they mentioned she had been through 3 surgeries) ( by this time she was a grown woman) and they also mentioned  the health/physical challenges she had been through that year. As my mom read out the letter I was struck by it's tone, it wasn't sad, complaining and neither did it have any form of self pity instead it was an account of the year that was ending to a friend. I guess the letter contained other information on other things about how their year had been but honestly i don't remember any of that but I have remembered the tone of that letter and it's  conclusion which read 'there  is so much to be grateful for and so little to complain about' wow! I must have been in my early teens or younger when my mom read that letter to us but over thirty years after that letter remains one of the most powerful messages I have heard on gratitude in my life. 

I remember how we were so touched by the content especially all this woman and her family had been through but in it all they saw SO MUCH to be thankful for and little to complain about.  Put my self in their shoes yours truly would have probably had an end of year pity party 'complete with cake and ice cream'. In fact I had one of those recently. I was reading a book and the author shared testimonies of God's goodness to her and how her hubby and children made her last birthday an amazing one with a diamond studded wrist watch and surprise party. I was happy for her then at a point I began comparing my life to hers and my many blessings seemed to fade in the face of her testimonies and blessings. My birthday was round the corner and I wasn't going to have my husband buying me an expensive gift and having a surprise party for me. In fact it's something I will ever experience again from Tunbosun. My husband is gone and my children are still young and dependent on me so they can't afford expensive gifts.

Well the author dedicated a part of her book to gratitude and in it she said something phenomenal and it had to do with thanking God for the things we don't want that we don't have. That jolted me back to reality..what are some of the things I don't want and don't have? Sickness or some terminal disease, way ward/ rebellious children, not being able to cater for my children....the list is endless...think about it!

My birthday came and at 12.am my second daughter came into my room to say Happy Birthday, then my phone beeped it was my first daughter who was in school, she sent the most touching and heartwarming Birthday wish 'to the best mom ever', later on I got a text message from my son saying I was the most awesome person he knows. In the morning the baby of the house walked into my room wished me Happy birthday and gave me a wrapped present. It was a beautiful bead necklace with earrings and a bracelet. She had made it for her school class  project.  Before I left for work my son transferred the most amazing video he had made for me using family pictures. It said 'I am Halima and this is my Story' He got pictures beginning from my childhood and told the story of my life in few minutes he included a number of his dad's pictures and talked about 'when he slept'  and how distraught I was then I decided to go on at this point he had pictures of my book 'Beyond the shadow of Death' i was simply blown away. The day was characterized by phone calls my mom,brother,even school mates I had not talked with in years, text messages. Wattsapp messages, Facebook messages my goodness, I felt like a celebrity!I felt so so loved. My pity party gave way to 'I  am so sorry Lord' I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I may not have received diamonds like the other lady but I had people who loved and appreciated me, who thought about me and took time to reach out and wish me well. 

It is so easy to loose track of God 's blessings and love when we focus on things that are 'not right' in our lives. But if we deliberately decide to count our blessings and name them one by one indeed it will surprise us what the Lord has done. When you suffer loss there is a tendency to see the negative I can't imagine how many times I have asked why my husband died, at a time I felt we loved and served God with all our hearts and He paid us back with evil. It just didn't  make sense. God wasn't angry with me and He's not angry with you if you have had similar thoughts. He understands and feels your pain. Today He is asking you to trust Him with this tragedy and with your future. 

It maybe a few days,weeks, months or years since you lost your husband and you are still standing. As you go along on this journey of grief look for little things or milestones if you will to be thankful for. ( it may take time) and thank Him. There is a Nigerian saying that when you are thankful you receive more.  To me showing gratitude means trust, you are saying Lord I don't get this but I choose to trust you knowing  my life and future is secure in you and You will make even this work for my good.

Prayer

Father I thank you for your precious child who is reading this. Please touch her (his) broken heart as only you can. Bring her to a point where she is able to thank you for the blessings you give her daily. Turn her mourning into dancing like you promised and give her reasons to thank you and rejoice in you always.