From Mourning To Dancing

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

Psalm 30:11 (KJV)

Can mourning ever truly be turned to dancing? I guess this question passed through my mind several times after my husbands death. To help me through the grief I was reading scripture on grief and comfort. Interestingly scriptures you knew before read, quoted and sang about took on a totally new meaning. For years I had loved and sang Ron Kenoly's song that says'He's turned my mourning into dancing again,His lifted my sorrow I can't stay silent I must sing for my joy has come' . It was a truly comforting song to sing when you face diverse challenges in life especially as the lyrics are taken directly from scripture. When some of those storms came and blew past it was a major breakthrough. One may be tempted to feel a sense of accomplishment as in wow! I really put my faith to work and God came though for me and then we promptly get on with life. 

However when a major life altering tragic event like the death of your beloved spouse happens a whole lot of things including certain scriptures take on a new perspective. The night my husband died after the lack of tact and sensitivity of one of the policemen  who answered my call to my dear Tunbosun's phone and my initial shock and confusion, I was able to make a few calls and then hurdled my children into my car and drove to the hospital all along praying, crying and reassuring them he would be okay. As I drove into the hospital i saw a police van packed in front of the emergency room. The police men and a couple of nurses were standing around the van. It didn't look good but I kept holding on. I parked told the children to wait then walked toward the van suddenly my legs became so heavy every step of that short work felt like there was a weight tied to my legs as i approached the back of the van I saw him .........the rest is history.

Many times I have remembered my walk that night in relation to Psalms 30:11 then the inevitable question would come to mind, is it possible for mourning feet to dance again? If you had asked me that night and the weeks and months following my answer would probably be no or at best like Ezekiel at the valley of dry bones i would have said God alone knows. To start with my feet were literally so heavy and it was impossible to dance then there was no song or joy in my heart or lips since dancing goes with being joyful and singing. I had even wondered if it was even possible to simply live again how much more dancing. I have come to realize that some things in life can only be possible because there is a God who has the power to change any and every situation. A God of unlimited possibilities He alone has what it takes to turn impossible situations around. I am talking of impossible situations like making the mourning to dance.

Is your heart heavy with grief? Do your feet feel like they have lost what it takes to dance?  Have you asked that question like i did i.e. can these feet dance again? Beloved child of God I have good news for you. The answer is a resounding yes. As you allow God to work in you,  you will surely dance again and it is not out of compulsion or a sense of obligation to God but dancing as a result of unspeakable joy the Lord will cause you to experience, spontaneous dancing because of the beautiful breakthroughs and testimonies God will bring into your life. He will remove every sack cloth of grief and sorrow and gird you with gladness.  My prayer for you is that like Sarah soon you will say 'God has made me to laugh so that all that hear will laugh with me. The same way people came to weep with you God will do what will make people rejoice and celebrate with you in Jesus Mighty Name.

 

Watch with Me

Then  saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

Matthew 26:38 (KJV)

In this part I will like to mention some unkind, insensitive and unnecessary comments by church folk, friends and men of God. 

During my husbands one year memorial/ thanksgiving service to appreciate God's faithfulness to us in that difficult year the pastor preached an excellent,heart war mining and encouraging message he talked about great men of God who in our opinion might be considered to have died early but said God was concerned with us fulfilling purpose and it's not how well but how long. He spoke of John the  Baptist dying early but having fulfilled his assignment this resonated so well with me because God had ministerd that to me and I included John the Baptist life and death in my book it was like he had read the book but then it was only made public the evening before and he was not there because he was coming from a journey. A senior pastor got up to lead prayers for the family after the message and said something about John the Baptist being beheaded because he did what he wasn't asked to do that is rebuking Herod for taking his brothers wife. So 'if John the Baptist had kept to his assignment he wouldn't have died' I couldn't believe my ears. To start with I believe God expects us to speak out against injustice and sin. I read a book once and the author said for every generation of evil doers and wicked people that includes leaders or should i say especially leaders that He will judge the christians who lived at that time and sat on the face doing nothing. No wonder in Nigeria today some people think some pastors are feeding off corrupt government officials instead of rebuking them or simply telling them the truth of God's word and whatHe expects of them. Secondly, even if you believe what this pastor said, was a memorial service a good place to say so? To me it was so insensitive and that's putting it nicely.

A widow shared how either at her husband's funeral or somebody else's funeral  someone shared from Isaiah 57:1 it talks of the righteous dying young to deliver them from the evil to come another Scripture I found so comforting. A pastor now comes up to say there is nothing like an evil day and the person who died  had died an untimely death. Can you beat that! Talk of insensitive. Why do some pastors talk like that? A pastor is a Shepherd and should be a lover of people, tender, loving. At a meeting about 2 years ago a sister shared how she had got to a point where she was suicidal and would have committed suicide but God intervened through a pastor. The pastor ministering got up to rebuke her saying she would have gone to hell and he wanted to tell anyone who thinks like that or says stuff like that they were toying with God's judgement blah blah blah.  Incidentally this lady had been sitting next to me and had shared me her story.  Her parents were wealthy but the fathers siblings had taken e everything  and subjected them to a very hard life of abject poverty and struggles my heart broke for her. Thankfully people hushed the pastor.

I remember a pastor telling me they needed to pray for me and separate me from the dead presumably my husband. In respect and because I was meeting him for the first time or so I didn't answer. As far as I am concerned I have never been attached to the dead it is normal to think of my husband, miss him or dream about him that doesn't mean I am connected to the dead. The Bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord based on this and many other scriptures I know once a believer dies such a person is in heaven. 

It's not just pastors but brethren in church can be the same or even worse I won't share because in the course of talking on the reproach of widowhood I have cited some instances. In my book I have a chapter titled 'Watch with Me' taken from today's scripture Jesus was about to face a painful, shameful ad horrifying death on the cross it was the most difficult moment of His life and he needed His diciples to watch with Him, pray with Him and just be there for Him in a difficult time. He didn't need judgment or theology. If Jesus could need  people to be withHim in that difficult time it goes to say that we all do. When we do find our selves in the company of those who are grieving we should be sensitive and relate with them in love instead of trying to prove we are ' spiritually correct' or whatever it is so called men of God or Christians try to prove when they do what they do. One hallmark of christianity is love and if there is ever a time we need to show love it's in times like that. 

Avoid insensitive and unnecessary statements and practices- show some love

Broken by Reproach 2

Cursed  be he that perverteth the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow. And all the people shall say, Amen. 

Deuteronomy 27:19 (KJV)

I'll continue from where I stopped last week

3) The widow could be married off to a sibling or relation of her husband- I heard a widow recount her story on radio and she said a particular relation who was suppose to inherit her slept with her and discarded her. She was handed down to others who kept sleeping with her but not making any commitment to her. She did so because the only way she and her children could be given anything was if she remained married  in that family. Another reason this is done is if the man did not have children or a male child the child she has by his relation is considered his son. Another widow had to sleep with some of her husbands colleagues and boss to get paid his benefits. I remember a widow we interviewed years back who had two girls  and she had to go get pregnant ( don't think it was by any relation of the husband) because she had to produce a male child that will be considered heir to the husband before anything was given to her. It took about 10 or more years of legal and spiritual battles and her giving birth to a boy out of wedlock to get anything. The brother in-law had taken everything and locked her out of her home.

This is the 21st century and women are by no means property that are owned by a man and treated as if they were a piece of furniture meant to be used and discarded. Men that insist on holding on to these negative practices usually do so because they are selfish, wicked and greedy they usually don't mourn their brother but focus on what they can get from what he left in my opinion they are a sad representation of what a man should be. Sadly women are at the forefront of ensuring widows go through these practices.

The list goes on but I believe we all get the gist. In concluding this part I will say a word to perpetrators of these wicked practices that add to the sorrow of widows and sets them up for reproach. Life is in the hands of God and regardless of the circumstances under which a person dies if God doesn't allow it the person won't  die. So please don't label a woman a killer especially when deep down you know she is not but because you have eyes on her husband's property you afflict and reproach her.  Also desist from afflicting her in the name of tradition. If you cant help her then let her be. It may look like she is helpless and vulnerable and you can get away it  but remember today's scripture you may just be bringing a curse on your self and maybe your generations after you. Deuteronomy 10 :18 says God ensures the widow and fatherless get justice. Exodus 22:22-24 is frightening but God doesn't just say things He follows through on what He says. God is solidly behind that widow and He will fight for her. You may have the strength, financial muscle or influence to face men and have things go your way but with God it is an entirely different ball game...you can't fight Him. 

A word for widows who are victims of all these. Please don't be like a sheep led to the slaughter have your own people around you even when going to the village for burial. Families and churches should learn to stand by their sisters or daughters. I refused to wear only 3 or 6 clothes it was a decision I had to make. I wasn't rude but I was firm. Some times widows put themselves in a I am so helpless position in the name of I am to traumatized to speak for my self or stand for what is right. Other times she feels by resisting or speaking out it will be termed as acceptance of guilt or she will be considered as not mourning since she has the strenght to  fight injustices. All these are just part of the schemes of the wicked to keep you under. The violence against persons bill has been passed into law in Nigeria and it includes sanctions for negative widowhood  practices. There are many CIvil Society Groups and organizations working to help such people but sometimes you must reach out. The law is on your side, many decent God fearing people are on your side and above all God Almighty is on your side so don't suffer in silence speak out and seek help.

Broken by Reproach

Thou  hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour: mine adversaries are all before thee.  Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none.

Psalm 69:19-20 (KJV)

In the second part on the Reproach of widowhood I listed some things or reactions to widowhood that elicit stigma and reproah. This week i will continue with some traditional practices against widows that are demeaning and must be stopped.

1) Sleeping in the same room with the corpse or drinking the water the body was washed with, being shaven and taken to a shrine to swear an oath of innocence -  this  is done to prove the innocence of the widow if she drinks the water and nothing happens to her then she is innocent but if she falls sick or dies as a result then she is guilty. Now imagine the man died of Ebola or some other dreadful disease chances are that she'll fall sick and probably die. If she is the cause of her husbands death and takes an oath terrible repercussions can be expected.  Many times these so called shrines are nothing but manipulations of men and demon spirits. There may be women that have killed their husbands and husbands that kill their wives but they are usually the exception and not the rule. 

Most women infact well over 90% will not kill anyone let alone their husbands especially when there is no gain whatsoever to widowhood. In spite of this, many of our cultures still consider the woman as the first suspect even when it is so obvious that she had nothing to do with the man dying.  Asking a woman who has just lost her husband to drink the water the corpse was washed with or leaving her alone to  sleep with the corpse is one of the most wicked and inhuman acts any person can do. The night my husband died I went to the hospital and saw him lying dead in a police van for almost two years I couldn't get that image out of my head if i closed my eyes to sleep that was what I saw even now many times it flashes through my mind its been a battle if I had spent that whole night with him alone I don't know for how long that traumatic memory would have been ectched in my mind.

2) Wearing  black or particular clothing for one year- my mum dislikes black clothes. Over the years I found she would make comments like why black if you wore a black dress or skirt. Even when she sees people in black she comments sometimes adding how she doesn't like black. There are many beautiful black dresses, suits, skirts etc and I doubt if there is anyone who doesn't have a black outfit but for her it's a no go area. I later realised her dislike for black is most likely because she had to wear black for a year after my father died and black just brought back painful memories.

After my husband died  I was told by some of my inlaws that they would make a set of 3 or 6 outfits that would be my clothes for the next year. I asked to be shown from the Bible where this was a requirement I remember one or two persons saying ' it's in the Bible' okay simple, show me? I still Dey wait. When I refused I was now told to pick the same number from my clothes dull colours and wear only them then after the year I give them out or burn them hmnnn....

People believe this proves you are actually mourning and the one year signifies the period of mourning. After which i guess you are  expected to close that chapter of your life and move on, i wish it was that simple. The only thing this achieves  is to push the widow into more grief and make her stick out like a sore thumb. If you wear black or the same set of clothes  everyday for a year people are bound to ask why then you get all sorts of mixed reactions making it difficult for you to move forward in your grief and with life.  Its like you carry a spirit of grief around and you are announcing here comes the widow dressed in black. The clothes will naturally fade and wear out because they are worn so frequently making the widow look a sorry sight.  

Even if it is a personal decision to do so i believe the widow should be encouraged to at least look presentable. I recall for the first year I wasn't really interested in clothes and couldn't be bothered about dressing up but I tried to look decent even at that when I saw my pictures from my daughters High School graduation which was about four months after my husband died I was horrified at how I was looking.  I looked so so sad and dejected. Unfortunately some people want you to look like that for the rest of your life.

Life can be hard and for many widows especially in this part of the world it can be really hard. The Psalmist that wrote Psalms 69:19-20 can easily pass for a widow because the way he expressed himself captures the very essence of what many widows experience.  But there is a balm in Gilead who knows and understands. You may have been broken by reproach, robbed of your dignity and self esteem but God calls you precious . He says with everlasting kindness He will have mercy on you and help you.  So shall it be for you in Jesus precious  name. Amen.

 

Tragic Death

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints

Psalm 116:15 (KJV)

Last week two of my contacts shared something with me on WhatsApp. It was a write up titled 'How the Apostles Died' coming at a time when I have been sharing on the reproach of widowhood it meant a lot to me. In my last two posts I mentioned that one of the factors that encourage reproach or stigma against widows is the fact that in many traditional settings and sadly even in many Christian circles in Nigeria when person dies a tragic death in an accident, suicide,  murder etc it is considered a bad omen. The write up shows that those who hold these beliefs are so far from the truth.

I am sharing this write up on how the Apostles died to encourage you if you have lost a loved one who loved the Lord and people want to make you feel bad because of how they died know it that every death of a believer is precious in God's sight He knows it will happen and He allowed it not because He doesn't love you or them but for reasons best known to Him. ( Sometimes the Lord may choose to reveal to us the whys while other times He chooses not to but wants us to trust Him in it all ). If anyone deserved to die peacefully surrounded by family it was these great men and founding fathers of the Christian faith. Did it mean they failed or sinned? Definitely  not. I know for sure God was with them every step of the way and the moment they closed their eyes in death they opened it in heaven. Since then till today the blood of Christian martyrs have fueled the gospel and rather than serve as a deterrent, has been the reason many have come to knowJesus as Lord and Saviour. As horrible and unfair as these apostles experiences seem God worked them out for His glory.John's exile in Patmos gave us the book of Revelations while Paul's time in prison gave us most of the epistles containing fundamental Christian doctrine.

I f you have lost your husband or any loved one as a result of Boko Haram or religious extremism in Nigeria or even outside Nigeria where we have ISIS and so many other terrorists groups please be comforted. As  difficult and painful as it may be God knows and will execute justice for you. Deuteronomy 10:18 says He ensures the widow and the fatherless get justice so leave it in His hands and rest assured that your loved one is in a better place you cannot begin to imagine the beauty and glory of their home in Heaven. They are free of pain, sorrow and all evil.  I pray the grace to carry on without them will be released to you by the Holy Spirit until that day when you shall meet them to part no more

I don't know the original source of this write up but I appreciate it.  I have come across how the apostles died in the past but this time I sincerely value it.

 

HOW THE APOSTLES DIED.

 

1. Matthew

Suffered martyrdom in Ethiopia, Killed by a sword wound.

2. Mark

Died in Alexandria, Egypt , after being dragged by Horses through the streets until he was dead.

3. Luke

Was hanged in Greece as a result of his tremendous Preaching to the lost.

4. John

Faced martyrdom when he was boiled in huge Basin of boiling oil during a wave of persecution In Rome. However, he was miraculously delivered From death.

John was then sentenced to the mines on the prison Island of Patmos. He wrote his prophetic Book of Revelation on Patmos . The apostle John was later freed and returned to serve As Bishop of Edessa in modern Turkey . He died as an old man, the only apostle to die peacefully

5. Peter

He was crucified upside down on an x-shaped cross.

According to church tradition it was because he told his tormentors that he felt unworthy to die In the same way that Jesus Christ had died.

6. James

The leader of the church in Jerusalem , was thrown over a hundred feet down from the southeast pinnacle of the Temple when he refused to deny his faith in Christ. When they discovered that he survived the fall, his enemies beat James to death with a fuller's club.

* This was the same pinnacle where Satan had taken Jesus during the Temptation.

7. James the Son of Zebedee,

was a fisherman by trade when Jesus Called him to a lifetime of ministry. As a strong leader of the church, James was ultimately beheaded at Jerusalem. The Roman officer who guarded James watched amazed as James defended his faith at his trial. Later, the officer Walked beside James to the place of execution. Overcome by conviction, he declared his new faith to the judge and Knelt beside James to accept beheading as a Christian.

8. Bartholomew

Also known as Nathaniel Was a missionary to Asia. He witnessed for our Lord in present day Turkey. Bartholomew was martyred for his preaching in Armenia where he was flayed to death by a whip.

9. Andrew

Was crucified on an x-shaped cross in Patras, Greece. After being whipped severely by seven soldiers they tied his body to the cross with cords to prolong his agony. His followers reported that, when he was led toward the cross, Andrew saluted it in these words: 'I have long desired and expected this happy hour. The cross has been consecrated by the body of Christ hanging on it.' He continued to preach to his tormentors For two days until he expired.

10. Thomas

Was stabbed with a spear in India during one of his missionary trips to establish the church in the Sub-continent.

11. Jude

Was killed with arrows when he refused to deny his faith in Christ.

12. Matthias

The apostle chosen to replace the traitor Judas Iscariot, was stoned and then beheaded.

13. Paul

Was tortured and then beheaded by the evil Emperor Nero at Rome in A.D. 67. Paul endured a lengthy imprisonment, which allowed him to write his many

epistles to the churches he had formed throughout the Roman Empire. These letters, which taught many of the foundational Doctrines of Christianity, form a large portion of the New Testament.

The Reproach of Widowhood 2

Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

Isaiah 54:4(KJV)

As I continue sharing my thoughts on the Reproach of Widowhood I have thought more on stigma which is a synonym for reproach. In my opinion it drives home the negative impact and magnitude of reproach. Again I checked the dictionary and it defined stigma as 'a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach as on one's reputation'. Like it or not there is absolutely nothing positive about stigma or reproach if anything it reduces a  person, affects their self esteem and self worth. In many instances it forces them to hide away in their own little world far from the scrutiny and prying eyes of others and to keep away from being objects of ridicule.

Usually people that are stigmatized are those who suffer certain diseases like HIV/AIDS as many associate the disease with sexual immorality, those caught doing something wrong like stealing also experience reproach if caught. Across cultures and climes stigma and reproach can be associated with  different things depending on the values , beliefs and traditions of the people. A breach of such invites stigma. In the olden days people could be literally sent out of the community or other members of the community are asked to keep away from them. In many cases it is as a direct result of some deliberate negative action of the person but in many instances like widowhood it is as a result of circumstances they have no control over. Why then are they made to pay such a heavy price. 

Most widows didn't choose to be widows so why are they punished for  it  I know widows who say their husband's death is a thing of shame to them. In fact when I wanted to put together a widows support group  a young widow told me to expect only older women as the average young Nigerian widow doesn't want to be recognized as a widow so she keeps away from such meetings.  Other widows don't want to go to widows meetings for fear of being the youngest one there someone told me that when i invited her to widow's fellowship. This is sad because widowhood seems to be one of the fastest growing demography not only in Nigeria but in different parts of the world. It implies that there is a huge number of women who have been forced to become bread winners and assume the role of mother and father who need skills, some form of trauma management, hope,  an income and so much more who are being denied this  and stigmatized instead of the love and support they need.  

I will try to list out certain things people do that translate as reproach to help us recognize them either in our lives or in others so we can avoid them;

1) When people avoid a widow or grieving person. Sometimes its under the guise of I don't know what to say or do.

2) When female family friends, church members etc keep away from a widow in other to keep their husbands away from her. It makes the widow feel cheap. I mean  for God's sake even prostitutes have a price but one to many widows will tell how other women see them as threats to their marriage for no other reason but that she is a widow. A widow told me how she met a man from church in town on a day they were to have a workers meeting and asked him to tell the pastor she was tired and couldn't make the meeting. He did at the meeting and another women openly told the man's wife where the widow met her husband and why it was that the widow sent her husband. It was so bad the wife went to the widows work place to warn or fight her but fortunately the widows boss refused her access to the widow.

3) When directly or indirectly she is blamed for her husband's death either because she is considered as not being prayer full,  not having enough faith, living in sin or under a curse. Oftentimes the dead husband is also considered to have been the same. A sister shared how one of the pastors wives that was staying with her within the days her husband who was also a pastor died asked something like, 'how could your husband die? Don't you pray? She told me she was on a fast and praying the day her husband died. I was accused of not praying as well by some of the mourners in my house who supposedly came to comfort me no one said it to my face but I got to know later. A colleague shared today how a vibrant sister who was given to prayers and fasting died recently in a car accident and brethren in church have been discussing on how it is not possible for her to die like that and have her blood spilt if she was living right. Goodness how could so called Christians be so callous! 

Many christians have been told you must  not die if you are a true child of God, prayerful and living right. church people assume when a person dies they were not prayerful or didn't have enough faith or they were under a curse they failed to break ( it doesn't matter if they have been to every anointing, deliverance and breakthrough service) and done all the man of God said they should do to stay alive. If they died then they missed it or where living in secret sin. Since you can't be sure then it's safe to keep that family at arms length so the'sturborn pursuers from their father or mothers house will not get to you'. 

Oops! I will have to continue next week so it doesn't get to much.

The Reproach of Widowhood 1

Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

Isaiah 54:4 (KJV

' Some people behave as if they will die or something if they come near you'  that was one of my children speaking few weeks after the loss of their dad. Few months later that child made the same comment. I had felt the same way sometimes but didn't really voice it out. Given my foggy state of mind I probably put it to me overreacting but coming from my child I realized my own thoughts in this regard where authentic. If there is one word I dislike and wish didn't exist it's the word widow. Looking back I wonder why? Apart from the fact that I never bargained for it and what it connotes i.e. the painful reminder that my hubby is gone I realise that probably why yours truly and other widows don't like the word is simply because of the stigma or reproach oftentimes associated with being a widow.

This brings me to the question what is reproach and do widows really experience reproach? To be double sure I checked the dictionary and found a definition I hadn't thought of.  My Merriam- Webster online dictionary defined it as 'an expression of rebuke or disapproval',  'a cause or occasion for blame, discredit or disgrace. That nailed it for me I had taken it to mean contempt, disgrace, disdain, shame but the word 'blame' just did it. Unfortunately many cultures in Nigeria blame a woman for her husband's death or think she has bad luck some of us can relate to the phrase 'her head is not good.' Many consider it a shameful thing to loose your husband so people avoid her so her shame or bad luck doesn't rub off on them. I must say things are a lot better due to Christianity and modernization. Many people and churches have advocated for stopping extreme negative practices including extreme cases of stigma or reproach that makes people react negatively to widows.

Unfortunately, while progress has been made a lot of people still consciously or unconsciously hold on to these erroneous beliefs.  Though they don't outrightly do any wrong to widows, their words, body language and actions send messages that can be described as reproach. The widow is then left to grapple with the pains of reproach coupled with the pain of her loss? Sadly this happens even among supposed children of God. The truth is that death is an enemy and the average human being cringes at the mention of death. However, while God can and does extend days in answer to prayers other times He chooses not to. God's desire is for us to live long and fulfilled lives and that is the desire of us humans also but because we live in a fallen world things dont always happen as expected. The moment Adam and Eve sinned death, sickness and all kinds of evil were introduced to the world thus altering God's original plan.  The good side of the story is that Jesus came and so we have hope once we place our faith in Him the greatest miracle He has given us is salvation and eternal life in heaven. That is where things will be perfect and death and all ills will be no more but on this side of eternity we can't wish them or faith talk them away. Again God is ahead of us and so even when we face loss and reproach He assures us us of His comfort and presence. In Isaiah 54:4 He says we should not fear because we will not be putto shame and we will not remember the reproach of widowhood. So if you are a widow and you are experiencing reproach be comforted.

 In many of our cultures death especially when it's a young person is seen as evil and a direct or indirect result of a curse, spell or witchcraft in local parlance  'jazz', 'remote control' etc. Usually the wife becomes the number one suspect and even when she is not a suspect there are some traditional mourning rites that in my opinion say this widow needs to be cleansed from death. These practices include shaving of the hair, having to sit and  sleep on the floor on a mat, eat from the cover of a pot or some ridiculous thing like that, have a plate and cutlery reserved for her, she may not be allowed to see sunlight for some time. I remember when some of the women from church would take me for a walk outside the house days after my husband died since i had been sitting in doors receiving guest, someone said 'no you are not supposed to go out, ideally you shouldn't even see light' .  Others are wearing black for a year or wearing specified mourning clothes for a year. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

Directly or indirectly the person is treated as an outcast and so people tend to see them as such. It's like widowhood is some terminal highly contagious disease.  Sadly some churches  don't help either.  I have been a believer for well over twenty years and seen many devoted Christians die. Some were prayer warriors, pastors, decent Christians with good character who lived right and served God diligently, they attended vigils and special programmes, made all the positive confessions  yet they died.  In the cases where they were sick they were prayed for,  brethren would fast and hold prayer vigils yet they died . Some of the reactions of their churches were 'we don't announce death in church' so there would be a hush around the church as people passed the information through whispers almost as if they were afraid of being caught talking about the dead. Some pastors try to avoid conducting funerals, some 'brethren' are afraid to sleep in the persons house or travel for the funeral so that spirit of death still lurking around will not get a hold on them. It's like the person that died is a failure a negative in the positives of the church in many instances the corpse is not brought into church for a proper funeral because' it will attract death to the church'. Some of these Invariably set the widow up to be reproached be it in the church or traditional setting and creates an impression about death that may not be Biblical.

God calls us to mourn with those that mourn so God knows there will be days of mourning and the need to stand by one another. When a person dies no matter the reason or cause the family left behind needs comfort and support not judgment. In as much as all the speculations and wanting to determine whose fault it is or is not will not bring them back then we should avoid such things and focus on helping the family move on.

God will Make You Forget Your Yesterdays

Genesis 41:51-52 (KJV)

51And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father's house.[] 52And the name of the second called he Ephraim: For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.

I was to start a series of posts addressing some negative practices against widows last week. But last weekend the Lord laid something so strongly in my heart that i feel compelled to share. Actually it was God's word of encouragement and hope to me. I couldn't sleep and I felt led to read Gn 41: 51-52 the story of Joseph is one of my favourites in the Bible. Reading the earlier verses in Genesis 41 about how  Pharoah made Joseph second in command over Egypt I was thrilled all over again. Some of the things He told Joseph were 'you shall be over my house, according to your word shall all my people be ruled, only in the throne shall I be greater than you, I have set you over the land of Egypt, without thee will no man lift up his hand or foot in all of Egypt.Wow, mind blowing to think that Joseph woke up that morning a prisoner and here he was being given so much power, authority and influence, I don't know but I guess he was given a beautiful house probably a palace. We can safely add wealth to the list then a wife so within moments his entire life changed.

Many years earlier Joseph's life had experienced a similar dramatic change but then it was a negative change. He woke up as daddy's favourite son who had the beautiful coat of many colours and went to bed in a strange place among total strangers having been thrown in a pit and then sold by his own brothers. He was only 17 but had no hope of ever seeing his beloved father and family again. Remember he had lost his mother earlier. Not knowing what the future held we can only imagine the thoughts that went through young Joseph's mind that night. The grief, sense of betrayal, hopelessness, no friend, no family just him alone. Where was the God of his fathers he must have heard the different stories of God's dealing with his father, grandfather and great grandfather. He thought of his dreams....will they be fulfilled.? This was definitely not what he bargained for.

You probably have an idea of the emotional turmoil Joseph went through, that gut wrenching feeling  you experienced following the death of your husband. You may have asked similar questions. It wasn't what you bargained for when you said 'I do' on your wedding day. You had plans, dreams, hopes, and suddenly they were shattered. You must have wondered what will my future be.? As the story of Joseph unfolds we find that all he had gone through did not break him neither did it kill his dreams. Even at the tender age of seventeen he had an admirable  faith in God  and a close walk with him.He knew he wasn't alone, God was with him and that's all he needed. He seemed to know God would work even those unpleasant circumstances out for good. So he kept his faith up but the more he tried to live right and do the right thing the more complicated his situation. Accused falsely for refusing to sin he found himself in prison, the butler whose dream he interpreted promptly forgot him. Through it all Joseph remained steadfast knowing God was at work. Beloved child of the Lord, God is not done with you yet He is still at work.

Eventually the day in Genesis 41 that turned his fortunes around came and when God later blessed Joseph with two son's the names he gave them said a lot. Joseph toiled as a slave, servant and prisoner but the blessings pronounced on him that day and the blessings he enjoyed for the rest of his life  were so great that he 'forgot' the pains of the past. The pain couldn't compare with the glory.  He said God had made him forget his father's house to my mind Joseph  must have thought of home and been home sick many times reminiscing about his coat, the privileges he enjoyed he must have wished for home but God brought all his family back to live in Egypt with him so the pain of those memories where taken away. He was fruitful in the land of his affliction the land he came to as a slave, a nobody, unknown and not reckoned with, a despised foreigner ( the Egyptians looked down on the Israelites who were shepherds) yet God made him Prime Minister the most powerful man in Egypt after Pharaoh probably the second most powerful man on earth. He was truly fruitful in the land of his affliction. God made him forget all his bitter yesterday's. The  blessing was so much the process and pain seemed to fade. Joseph must have said it was all worth it 13 years of affliction but 80 years of uncommon blessings. He was made Prime Minister when he was 30 and died at 110. 

In the first chapter of the book of Ruth, Naomi asked to be called Mara which meant bitter because of all that had happened to her but in the 4th chapter God restored her, he gave her a heir through Ruth and Boaz who was the grandfather of David and an ancestor of the Lord Jesus same goes for Ruth she was married to Boaz and became grandmother of David and is in the lineage of the Lord. Naomi came back empty but lived her latter years in joy and fulfillment. You have been through affliction and you wonder what good can come in your future that can make you forget the pains of the past. You definitely will not forget your husband or loved one  but you can remember them with thanks for the time you had together, you can remember them and smile or laugh instead of weeping when you remember things that you did together.Above all God has blessings in store for you that will blow your mind the Bible says when the Lord turned around the captivity of Zion they were like those that dreamed. That's my prayer for you that a day will come when all you have gone through will give way to such blessings you'll wonder if it's a dream. Sorrow will give way to joy, the struggle to raise your children alone will be fruitful, you will rest from your toils and be blessed beyond measure. God will settle you like He did Joseph, Naomi and Ruth. 

The Journey from Deathto Life

10For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried.[] 11Thou broughtest us into the net; thou laidst affliction upon our loins.[] 12Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.

Psalms 66:10-12

I feel  the need to share certain issues relating to widowhood in Nigeria. Actually it's something I've wanted to do since last year. I guess the time is right. I remember after I wrote my book someone from my mum's church wrote me and commended me for writing the book. He then raised issues that are very real for many widows in Nigeria. His was a very encouraging letter and the issues he raised very important. He suggested I expand the book to touch on areas not reflected in the book. These are some of the issues he raised mostly they were questions he felt needed answers that would be helpful for others.

1) Many families accuse the wives of killing the husband and subject them to all sorts of things like taking the woman naked and shaven to a shrine to prove their innocence.What was your experience?

2) Did he (my husband) have a will? What happened to the family's  ( referring to our nuclear family) property or his property. In many African cultures the husbands family take everything leaving the wife and children with nothing.

3) Supposing you don't have a job how will you cope? Does the family help support you and the children?

4) In situations were the man's family had objected to the marriage after his death there is the likelihood of the woman being thrown out of the house possibly with her children.  (know the after all you are not our wife thing).

5) In some cases a living relative of the man inherits the wife.  Suppose this happens to you what will you do. (Me ....... not my portion) what can other women faced with this do?

6) What about remarriage? Have you ever considered it? You have four children, what will you do if this situation arises for you.  If not how will you cope with remaining single?

7) How do you cope with mischievous men who come around to cheat? They pretend to want to help but have sinister motives.

8)  Can we have a listing of your thoughts without suppressing or keeping anything away. What is your perception of life since his demise.

9)  Where you relatively independent or were you 100% dependent on him? What about widows who were 100% dependent on the man?

Basically these were his thoughts and comments not verbatim but  I really appreciated  him but didn't know the avenue that would be open for me to address the questions. Didn't know I'd have a blog. If you are a Nigerian reading this or even African many of these issues will not be new but if you are not you may almost freak out at the thought of some of the things  mentioned Lol. Anyway I will be addressing these and other issues in the blog in the weeks ahead.

My desire is to help someone somewhere so i will be as open as possible. I want you to know that because you are a widow doesn't mean you are a door mat. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. After your husband's death you have the right to mourn him as you choose after all the relationship you shared was unique to the two of you. You are also free underGod to live a full and purposeful life. Don't let anyone or anything rob you of the privilege of living a good life.

Over and over again I say this - loosing a spouse is not a small thing it's a major alteration of your life and people can't even begin to understand the impact it has on you it takes only the grace of God to make. So I really don't get it when people make it more difficult. My question is why? Why? why? Some of the issues I will also share are;

1) Do widows face any form of stigmatization

2) Where does a christian widow draw the line on traditional practices like cutting her hair, not going out or seeing the sun for sometime etc.

3) Why do some churches not allow the casket to be brought into the church in fact the corpse should not come near the church premises.

4) Dealing with religious Judgmental people and those who suffer from 'verbal diarrhea'

5) What is the role of the church beyond the Christmas and Easter rice?

While a number of the issues are peculiar to Nigerians others are universal. I titled this 'series' if you may , The Journey from Death to Life because widowhood is a journey that begins as a result of your husbands death and the above listed things and so much more are the things you deal with to get to a point where you can live again. It is a difficult journey you are tried like silver, go through affliction, fire and water but  I encourage you to follow Jesus as He pilots you through whatever issues you face till He brings you to your wealthy place. Your place of abundance and restoration.

Do Not be Discouraged

2 Corinthians 4:16-18Amplified Bible (AMP)

16 Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day.

17 For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!],

18 Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.

Amplified Bible (AMP)

The Apostle Paul was one man that faced a number of discouraging situations in his life. He understood the possibility  of becoming discouraged, exhausted physically and emotionally, worn out and utterly spiritless.  Frankly many of us can relate with Paul in this. As I type this post I am so tired and feel drained from the activities that have summed up my life in the last month. There has been so much to do( there still is) sometimes I don't know where to start and what to do next but somehow I have managed to keep going. Other times I have felt so overwhelmed and discouraged not knowing how to accomplish my multiple tasks. I realize that part of the pressure I feel is because I have to do things alone. Over the past three years i have combined my husband's role and responsibility in the family with mine coupled with church and other responsibilities i sometimes feel I can't do this.

There are more than enough problem in this  world  to discourage anyone and for a widow it can be overwhelming.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is one passage of scripture that has ministered tremendously to me especially in the first year after my husband went home. I was encouraged because whatever I am going through is 'momentary' Paul says it is 'light and a slight distress.....Hmnn not to sure about that Apostle Paul because it does seem quite heavy and intense. But then compared to the glory that awaits us he is right. He says we are to expect an everlasting weight of glory that is beyond all measure, comparison and all calculations. It's really something to look forward to.

I felt like sharing these verses with the hope that the Holy Spirit will minister to you and replace every discouragement with hope Be assured that God is mindful of you in all the challenges of life and the grief. Do not focus on the problems  because they are temporary and will pass but look to the things that are not seen because they are deathless and everlasting. Beyond all the hopes we have for a blessed and fulfilled life here on earth we can be encouraged that one day we will also cross over to eternity to be reunited with our loved ones forever. A place where there will never be sickness, accidents, failures, affliction, sorrow or death. It will just be glory, joy unspeakable, peace and rest from all struggles.

I pray for you that the Lord will renew your inner man and strengthen you. May He grant you his peace in the midst of your storms and meet all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Amen

Gratitude

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1Thessalonians  5:18

Many years ago my mum read out the content of a letter she had received from a Baptist missionary family. They had been family friends in Jos, North Central  Nigeria and even after they left had kept in touch. This family had been through a lot, as a  child, their daughter's class mate pulled away a chair she was going to sit on and she fell on the floor. What was meant to be an innocent prank led to her being paralyzed from the waist down.  From then on, Her life was characterized with surgeries, pain and I guess some level of limitations i.e not being able to move around normally etc. Well  in this letter written by her mom or her around Christmas time they mentioned she had been through 3 surgeries) ( by this time she was a grown woman) and they also mentioned  the health/physical challenges she had been through that year. As my mom read out the letter I was struck by it's tone, it wasn't sad, complaining and neither did it have any form of self pity instead it was an account of the year that was ending to a friend. I guess the letter contained other information on other things about how their year had been but honestly i don't remember any of that but I have remembered the tone of that letter and it's  conclusion which read 'there  is so much to be grateful for and so little to complain about' wow! I must have been in my early teens or younger when my mom read that letter to us but over thirty years after that letter remains one of the most powerful messages I have heard on gratitude in my life. 

I remember how we were so touched by the content especially all this woman and her family had been through but in it all they saw SO MUCH to be thankful for and little to complain about.  Put my self in their shoes yours truly would have probably had an end of year pity party 'complete with cake and ice cream'. In fact I had one of those recently. I was reading a book and the author shared testimonies of God's goodness to her and how her hubby and children made her last birthday an amazing one with a diamond studded wrist watch and surprise party. I was happy for her then at a point I began comparing my life to hers and my many blessings seemed to fade in the face of her testimonies and blessings. My birthday was round the corner and I wasn't going to have my husband buying me an expensive gift and having a surprise party for me. In fact it's something I will ever experience again from Tunbosun. My husband is gone and my children are still young and dependent on me so they can't afford expensive gifts.

Well the author dedicated a part of her book to gratitude and in it she said something phenomenal and it had to do with thanking God for the things we don't want that we don't have. That jolted me back to reality..what are some of the things I don't want and don't have? Sickness or some terminal disease, way ward/ rebellious children, not being able to cater for my children....the list is endless...think about it!

My birthday came and at 12.am my second daughter came into my room to say Happy Birthday, then my phone beeped it was my first daughter who was in school, she sent the most touching and heartwarming Birthday wish 'to the best mom ever', later on I got a text message from my son saying I was the most awesome person he knows. In the morning the baby of the house walked into my room wished me Happy birthday and gave me a wrapped present. It was a beautiful bead necklace with earrings and a bracelet. She had made it for her school class  project.  Before I left for work my son transferred the most amazing video he had made for me using family pictures. It said 'I am Halima and this is my Story' He got pictures beginning from my childhood and told the story of my life in few minutes he included a number of his dad's pictures and talked about 'when he slept'  and how distraught I was then I decided to go on at this point he had pictures of my book 'Beyond the shadow of Death' i was simply blown away. The day was characterized by phone calls my mom,brother,even school mates I had not talked with in years, text messages. Wattsapp messages, Facebook messages my goodness, I felt like a celebrity!I felt so so loved. My pity party gave way to 'I  am so sorry Lord' I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I may not have received diamonds like the other lady but I had people who loved and appreciated me, who thought about me and took time to reach out and wish me well. 

It is so easy to loose track of God 's blessings and love when we focus on things that are 'not right' in our lives. But if we deliberately decide to count our blessings and name them one by one indeed it will surprise us what the Lord has done. When you suffer loss there is a tendency to see the negative I can't imagine how many times I have asked why my husband died, at a time I felt we loved and served God with all our hearts and He paid us back with evil. It just didn't  make sense. God wasn't angry with me and He's not angry with you if you have had similar thoughts. He understands and feels your pain. Today He is asking you to trust Him with this tragedy and with your future. 

It maybe a few days,weeks, months or years since you lost your husband and you are still standing. As you go along on this journey of grief look for little things or milestones if you will to be thankful for. ( it may take time) and thank Him. There is a Nigerian saying that when you are thankful you receive more.  To me showing gratitude means trust, you are saying Lord I don't get this but I choose to trust you knowing  my life and future is secure in you and You will make even this work for my good.

Prayer

Father I thank you for your precious child who is reading this. Please touch her (his) broken heart as only you can. Bring her to a point where she is able to thank you for the blessings you give her daily. Turn her mourning into dancing like you promised and give her reasons to thank you and rejoice in you always.

Living Full- Dying Empty

My intention was to to have this post on the blog on the 31st of March because it was my 3 year mark. Somehow I couldn't finish it and so I decided to make it my Easter Monday post then. Easter Monday came and my data finished and I got caught up in all the 'busyness' of life and it's another Monday. Lord help me .....anyway I hope you will be blessed reading.

The 31st March, 2012 changed my life forever, it is a day that is etched in my memory for life. A simple phone call that day changed my life completely. Today three long and yet short years have gone by without my dear husband Olatunbosun S. Oyelade.  It has definately not been an easy ride but Like I always say God has been so faithful. There is a song that says 'The God of the mountain is still God in the valley..' In the over forty years of my life I have had quite a number of mountain top experiences as well as a fair deal of valley experiences topping the list of course is losing my husband. 

Today's post is a special thank you to the Risen Christ for how far He has brought me and my children in the last three years. It is also a tribute to my husband and the life he lived. As I remember the events of that day 3 years ago my heart aches but at the same time I am full of gratitude to the Lord,  grateful for the amazing ways He has blessed, kept and provided for my four children and I.  A few years back I read a book by Myles Munroe and in it he mentioned the issue of dying empty. According to him God sends each of us into the world with gifts,talents and abilities He expects us to to use for the benefit of mankind so that at the time of our death we would have off loaded everything we have and die empty leaving the world a better place. This must have informed one of his popular phrases i.e. 'the graveyard is the richest place on earth' as a result of unfulfilled dreams and assignments the cemetery contains great doctors, engineers,economists, preachers etc that never were. 

Nobody wants to live and die without achieving anything. Everyone wants to live a fulfilled life, a 'full' life if you may. Many times I think of my own life and over and over again I ask God to help me live well and die empty. In the last few days I have thought over my husband's life and the fact that he died at the young age of 48 on the other hand looking back I can say he lived a full life the major reason being that he lived for Jesus. I will share some of the things he did that I believe made him live a happy, fulfilled  albeit 'short' life. On the day it would have been his 49th  birthday the children and I sat together to talk of him and one thing that was clear was the fact that he was the most jovial person in our home. He joked a lot,  told  a lot of stories and laughed a lot. He simply added joy and happiness to our lives. Generally he was a happy person who didn't get discouraged easily. He had his fair share of challenges and reasons to be discouraged but like David he would often encourage himself in the Lord. He was also a very positive person always focussing on the good and best instead of the bad and negative. There were times he faced rejection, betrayal and all sorts after talking it over I would sometimes be overwhelmed by the situation and not have much to say or do to encourage him or proffer a solution besides praying for him. He however would spend time reading his Bible to draw strength, spend time in prayer and other times just go to bed early and by the next morning he would be up and ready to face another day having put any unpleasant event behind him. 

Another quality in him was his love and concern for people. He often went out of his way to help solve other peoples challenges, spend time talking over issues, visit them and assist in anyway he could. When he was a Sunday school teacher he would look out for people in his class who would make good teachers and encourage them to join the teaching team. So it was with other Church units if he noticed a gifting in a person in a particular area he would encourage them to sign up as workers and use their gifts in the Lord's service. This is something he did before ever becoming a minister or pastor he just loved to see people doing well. When he would go out of his way to visit, encourage and reach out to people as a pastor some people thought he was only doing it to make the church grow. I recall someone telling him ' you don't have to go after the people just pray after all  it's God that adds to the Church', really! This person did not realize he was just being himself.  It was the same thing when it came to careers, businesses and other issues he often had such good counsel for people to help them in their carers or businesses or help them start one. I met him sometime in December 1991 at Church. I  was a first timer in the church and after service he met me outside introduced himself and asked my name and details that's how we became friends. I later got to know that he made it a point of duty to reach out to newcomers in church and befriend them. He used to say it's so easy for people to get lost in church they would come unnoticed and leave unnoticed with their problems intact. So in his own little way he did something. 

My husband loved evangelism and missions. There were people he followed, witnessed to and encouraged to be part of a Bile believing Church or members of the Full Gospel Business Men's Fellowship. He used to get so excited about winning souls I remember one time after ministering to someone he said he felt so happy  like he had just eaten a nice plate of salad.  Any opportunity to support missions was welcome by him. In our early years in marriage the Lord had led me support missions, I had some extra cash and was contemplating whether to send it to a missionary or buy a new shoe. When I asked his advice without a second thought he said' for you it's just another shoe but for the missionary it could mean something much more important. That has influenced my response to other peoples needs many times since then. 

I have shared all this in remembrance of him but more as an encouragement. No matter what life has thrown at you choose to remain positive as you trust God for a better tomorrow. Love they say makes the world go round and if there is one thing God desires to see in us expressed towards others it is love. There is something about showing love and being concerned for others that adds value and gives joy. I believe it is one of the greatest secrets of living full and dying empty. There is a hurting world out there. Forget the cover up of clothes, houses, cars and other material things or accomplishments many people are looking for who will just love them. It could be something as simple as a smile, a hug, a prayer, a word of encouragement, a gift , spending time with someone, opening your home to someone the list is endless and the effects can be amazing. The fact that you have experienced hurt and grief means you understand and can be used of God to comfort others. I read something that said 'when you are born you cry and others laugh (rejoice) so you should live in such a way that when you die  you will laugh and others will cry. I thank God for my husband because I can say it's not how long but how well. I know he lived a full life. He wasn't perfect (who is) but he did his best to live to the glory of God. Remember success in life is not measured by our material wealth or possessions or even what men think of us. Its about doing what God put you here to do. I invite you to step out in faith and love to the adventure of life God has in store for you so go ahead and live full! 

It's Me Lord

The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Jeremiah 31:3

Apart from my entire life changing drastically after the sudden loss of my husband, it signaled the beginning of questions about my relationship with God and most importantly His love for me. Many times in the early days and weeks i heard myself telling God 'it's me Lord,Halima remember the one you love so much, the same Halima and Tunbosun that you engraved in the palm of your hands'. I would go on trying to remind God that He loved me (as if He had forgotten). I believed He loved my family and i too much to allow us suffer in anyway. How could a God who said he loved me so much take my husband so early. Somehow the tragedy of my husband's sudden death and a loving God didn't mix. We loved God and served Him and I felt His part of the deal was to keep us safe and bless us that included the blessing of long life. So why did He deny my husband the privilege of living long....and then my thoughts would inadvertently return to 'it's me Lord' you love, me remember, such thoughts constantly reverberated in my mind. 

My Provincial  Pastor was sitting with me one of the days and I blurted out 'maybe it's because I didn't pray enough' I had been whipping my self up trying to figure out why God took my husband. The many people that came and said things like 'agh the devil did it, didn't you get a hunch in your Spirit, God must have spoken to  but....., you have to be prayerful' etc did not help matters (amazing what people say to you when you loose a loved one) People haven't changed much since the days of Job and his friends who kept telling him he must have sinned or failed in some way or the other and was receiving the punishment he deserved from the righteous God. I remember telling God at a point that it wasn't their fault but His after all if He didn't take my husband every Tom, Dick, and Harriet (Harry) wouldn't come into my home and judge me or  analyze a situation they really didnt know anything about. Anyway back to what i was saying  I had worked up my self to a point where I believed if I had missed it somehow and maybe God's love had been replaced by His anger prayed.You see the thing was i was putting finishing touches to my Masters degree thesis while preparing for a film festival at work for which i was the Festival Director plus the regular routine of being  wife,mother, pastor's wife and children church teacher. I often had to work late into the night and be up early to a busy schedule and my prayer time became less.  Somewhere in my mind was the thought that God was not happy with me for not spending as much time as I should with him and so He withdrew His love and didn't bother to watch over us as He usually did. Thankfully my pastor's response was that God wasn't like that and he asked if as a mother i would punish my children by killing them if they offended or hurt me? The truth is I wouldn't even think of it so why would I think God who loved me more than i love my children do that. Though i knew God's nature to be love  my grieving heart was questioning this love.

I was invited to speak at a Church on 'What can separate us from the love of God' the text was from Romans8:35-39. The pastor said  he liked the way I carried on after my husbands death and kept serving and loving God. I on the other hand know it was quite a task because I had questioned God's love, wondered if being a Christian was worth it and wondered if death would separate me from that love. Looking at the Romans passage it struck me that the feeling being separated from God's love is two pronged first one can wrongly assume a decline or a withdrawal of God's love? Secondly, allowing the challenges and unpleasant situations of life get us to a place where we withdraw from him therefore attempting to separate our selves from His love? Thankfully in both cases God's love remains steadfast.

I turned on the TV on Saturday evening and tuned in to the Daystar channel movie of the week. A man who from the little I saw of the movie was either an Angel or the Lord himself took a woman who seemed to be having  a hard time accepting the fact that God loved her unconditionally to a beach by an ocean and asked her if she had ever went swimming in the ocean she answered in the affirmative then he asked if she remembered the wetness of the ocean or if she could measure its wetness she looked at him and said but the ocean is by nature wet in other words you can't separate the ocean from wetness. In my words to experience the ocean is to experience wetness. He then told her that's how God and love is. He is not just loving but love it's self. He then took her to a house with a baby in a cot it seems it was her daughter (when she was a baby) her heart went out to the baby and she wanted to carry her impulsively, he encouraged her to go ahead and then described God's love as being like the love she had for the little helpless baby who at the time of her birth could only eat,sleep and poop. That child didn't need to do anything she was loved just as she was. Imagine this baby didn't even have the capacity to love at the time but it didn't reduce the parents love. In the same manner we are loved because we are God's children and  being loved is part of the rights and privileges of sonship.

I was so blessed and reminded of God's unequivocal love for me. I asked them in the church I ministered how many of them did anything to earn God's love of course none of them so I asked what they could do to 'unearn'  God's love if there is a word like that. I am aware that sin has consequences and we sometimes have to live with the consequences of bad decisions, sin, failure etc but at no time does God's love for us cease. God remains righteous and hates sin but he loves us unconditionally the Bible says while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. We didn't do anything to make him love us neither do we deserve it. Look at it this way before we were born Christ had died for us and loved us in advance. Nothing we do or go through can seperate us from God's love. God can rebuke us, chasten us but He never stops loving us instead His heart breaks when we sin or fall.  He keeps reaching out to us in love. The fact that your husband died doesn't mean God doesn't love you instead let God's love lift you don't believe the lies the devil tells you that the challenges , sorrow,lack or even death has the capacity to seperate you from God's love because it doesn't when all fails cling to His love it's more than enough.

If anything I believe God's love for us is at its highest when we go through pain ,loss or suffering. If like me you have struggled with God's love because of grief know it 'that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'!

It's Me Lord

The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Jeremiah 31:3

Apart from my entire life changing drastically after the sudden loss of my husband, it signaled the beginning of questions about my relationship with God and most importantly His love for me. Many times in the early days and weeks i heard myself telling God 'it's me Lord,Halima remember the one you love so much, the same Halima and Tunbosun that you engraved in the palm of your hands'. I would go on trying to remind God that He loved me (as if He had forgotten). I believed He loved my family and i too much to allow us suffer in anyway. How could a God who said he loved me so much take my husband so early. Somehow the tragedy of my husband's sudden death and a loving God didn't mix. We loved God and served Him and I felt His part of the deal was to keep us safe and bless us that included the blessing of long life. So why did He deny my husband the privilege of living long....and then my thoughts would inadvertently return to 'it's me Lord' you love, me remember, such thoughts constantly reverberated in my mind. 

My Provincial  Pastor was sitting with me one of the days and I blurted out 'maybe it's because I didn't pray enough' I had been whipping my self up trying to figure out why God took my husband. The many people that came and said things like 'agh the devil did it, didn't you get a hunch in your Spirit, God must have spoken to  but....., you have to be prayerful' etc did not help matters (amazing what people say to you when you loose a loved one) People haven't changed much since the days of Job and his friends who kept telling him he must have sinned or failed in some way or the other and was receiving the punishment he deserved from the righteous God. I remember telling God at a point that it wasn't their fault but His after all if He didn't take my husband every Tom, Dick, and Harriet (Harry) wouldn't come into my home and judge me or  analyze a situation they really didnt know anything about. Anyway back to what i was saying  I had worked up my self to a point where I believed if I had missed it somehow and maybe God's love had been replaced by His anger prayed.You see the thing was i was putting finishing touches to my Masters degree thesis while preparing for a film festival at work for which i was the Festival Director plus the regular routine of being  wife,mother, pastor's wife and children church teacher. I often had to work late into the night and be up early to a busy schedule and my prayer time became less.  Somewhere in my mind was the thought that God was not happy with me for not spending as much time as I should with him and so He withdrew His love and didn't bother to watch over us as He usually did. Thankfully my pastor's response was that God wasn't like that and he asked if as a mother i would punish my children by killing them if they offended or hurt me? The truth is I wouldn't even think of it so why would I think God who loved me more than i love my children do that. Though i knew God's nature to be love  my grieving heart was questioning this love.

I was invited to speak at a Church on 'What can separate us from the love of God' the text was from Romans8:35-39. The pastor said  he liked the way I carried on after my husbands death and kept serving and loving God. I on the other hand know it was quite a task because I had questioned God's love, wondered if being a Christian was worth it and wondered if death would separate me from that love. Looking at the Romans passage it struck me that the feeling being separated from God's love is two pronged first one can wrongly assume a decline or a withdrawal of God's love? Secondly, allowing the challenges and unpleasant situations of life get us to a place where we withdraw from him therefore attempting to separate our selves from His love? Thankfully in both cases God's love remains steadfast.

I turned on the TV on Saturday evening and tuned in to the Daystar channel movie of the week. A man who from the little I saw of the movie was either an Angel or the Lord himself took a woman who seemed to be having  a hard time accepting the fact that God loved her unconditionally to a beach by an ocean and asked her if she had ever went swimming in the ocean she answered in the affirmative then he asked if she remembered the wetness of the ocean or if she could measure its wetness she looked at him and said but the ocean is by nature wet in other words you can't separate the ocean from wetness. In my words to experience the ocean is to experience wetness. He then told her that's how God and love is. He is not just loving but love it's self. He then took her to a house with a baby in a cot it seems it was her daughter (when she was a baby) her heart went out to the baby and she wanted to carry her impulsively, he encouraged her to go ahead and then described God's love as being like the love she had for the little helpless baby who at the time of her birth could only eat,sleep and poop. That child didn't need to do anything she was loved just as she was. Imagine this baby didn't even have the capacity to love at the time but it didn't reduce the parents love. In the same manner we are loved because we are God's children and  being loved is part of the rights and privileges of sonship.

I was so blessed and reminded of God's unequivocal love for me. I asked them in the church I ministered how many of them did anything to earn God's love of course none of them so I asked what they could do to 'unearn'  God's love if there is a word like that. I am aware that sin has consequences and we sometimes have to live with the consequences of bad decisions, sin, failure etc but at no time does God's love for us cease. God remains righteous and hates sin but he loves us unconditionally the Bible says while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. We didn't do anything to make him love us neither do we deserve it. Look at it this way before we were born Christ had died for us and loved us in advance. Nothing we do or go through can seperate us from God's love. God can rebuke us, chasten us but He never stops loving us instead His heart breaks when we sin or fall.  He keeps reaching out to us in love. The fact that your husband died doesn't mean God doesn't love you instead let God's love lift you don't believe the lies the devil tells you that the challenges , sorrow,lack or even death has the capacity to seperate you from God's love because it doesn't when all fails cling to His love it's more than enough.

If anything I believe God's love for us is at its highest when we go through pain ,loss or suffering. If like me you have struggled with God's love because of grief know it 'that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'!