Broken by Reproach

Thou  hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour: mine adversaries are all before thee.  Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none.

Psalm 69:19-20 (KJV)

In the second part on the Reproach of widowhood I listed some things or reactions to widowhood that elicit stigma and reproah. This week i will continue with some traditional practices against widows that are demeaning and must be stopped.

1) Sleeping in the same room with the corpse or drinking the water the body was washed with, being shaven and taken to a shrine to swear an oath of innocence -  this  is done to prove the innocence of the widow if she drinks the water and nothing happens to her then she is innocent but if she falls sick or dies as a result then she is guilty. Now imagine the man died of Ebola or some other dreadful disease chances are that she'll fall sick and probably die. If she is the cause of her husbands death and takes an oath terrible repercussions can be expected.  Many times these so called shrines are nothing but manipulations of men and demon spirits. There may be women that have killed their husbands and husbands that kill their wives but they are usually the exception and not the rule. 

Most women infact well over 90% will not kill anyone let alone their husbands especially when there is no gain whatsoever to widowhood. In spite of this, many of our cultures still consider the woman as the first suspect even when it is so obvious that she had nothing to do with the man dying.  Asking a woman who has just lost her husband to drink the water the corpse was washed with or leaving her alone to  sleep with the corpse is one of the most wicked and inhuman acts any person can do. The night my husband died I went to the hospital and saw him lying dead in a police van for almost two years I couldn't get that image out of my head if i closed my eyes to sleep that was what I saw even now many times it flashes through my mind its been a battle if I had spent that whole night with him alone I don't know for how long that traumatic memory would have been ectched in my mind.

2) Wearing  black or particular clothing for one year- my mum dislikes black clothes. Over the years I found she would make comments like why black if you wore a black dress or skirt. Even when she sees people in black she comments sometimes adding how she doesn't like black. There are many beautiful black dresses, suits, skirts etc and I doubt if there is anyone who doesn't have a black outfit but for her it's a no go area. I later realised her dislike for black is most likely because she had to wear black for a year after my father died and black just brought back painful memories.

After my husband died  I was told by some of my inlaws that they would make a set of 3 or 6 outfits that would be my clothes for the next year. I asked to be shown from the Bible where this was a requirement I remember one or two persons saying ' it's in the Bible' okay simple, show me? I still Dey wait. When I refused I was now told to pick the same number from my clothes dull colours and wear only them then after the year I give them out or burn them hmnnn....

People believe this proves you are actually mourning and the one year signifies the period of mourning. After which i guess you are  expected to close that chapter of your life and move on, i wish it was that simple. The only thing this achieves  is to push the widow into more grief and make her stick out like a sore thumb. If you wear black or the same set of clothes  everyday for a year people are bound to ask why then you get all sorts of mixed reactions making it difficult for you to move forward in your grief and with life.  Its like you carry a spirit of grief around and you are announcing here comes the widow dressed in black. The clothes will naturally fade and wear out because they are worn so frequently making the widow look a sorry sight.  

Even if it is a personal decision to do so i believe the widow should be encouraged to at least look presentable. I recall for the first year I wasn't really interested in clothes and couldn't be bothered about dressing up but I tried to look decent even at that when I saw my pictures from my daughters High School graduation which was about four months after my husband died I was horrified at how I was looking.  I looked so so sad and dejected. Unfortunately some people want you to look like that for the rest of your life.

Life can be hard and for many widows especially in this part of the world it can be really hard. The Psalmist that wrote Psalms 69:19-20 can easily pass for a widow because the way he expressed himself captures the very essence of what many widows experience.  But there is a balm in Gilead who knows and understands. You may have been broken by reproach, robbed of your dignity and self esteem but God calls you precious . He says with everlasting kindness He will have mercy on you and help you.  So shall it be for you in Jesus precious  name. Amen.