An Ineritance for Who? Part 2

An Inheritance for who?  Part 2

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children …

Proverbs 13: 22a

The issue of inheritance is big in Nigeria and I guess its the same in some other parts of Africa as a whole. More often than not when a man dies the issue of who inherits his property or whatever he has left creates tension and feuds between families and in-laws. So big is this issue that many times innocent widows are accused of killing their husbands and are subjected to all kinds of dehumanising rituals and practices to prove their innocence or confirm their guilt. Top of the list is to have widows drink the water the corpse is washed with and if nothing happens to her then she is innocent. For God sake! Common sense should let us know that if the man died of a communicable disease chances are that she can get infected and fall sick or die and then she is accused of murder, really Niaja! In times of diseases like Ebola…hmnn, even if he wasn’t sick drinking water used in washing a corpse is not exactly hygienic and could cause health problems.  

In my opinion the main reason is to give some greedy in laws a reason to disinherit her and take everything. This practice is further entrenched by the fact that we live in a patriarchal society where customs and traditions do not allow women to inherit or own land and property. This leads to widows being forced out of their homes especially if they have no children. Other times the children are taken away from the mother under the guise that they will be taken care of and to paint a picture that the relations care but often times these children are used as domestic servants in the homes of such relatives. Sometimes the money their father left is used to care for the relatives and their families while the children are left tattered, unkempt and removed from good private schools and put in public schools. In spite of the reoccurrence of cases where brothers whether legally named next of kin /administrators or not, take everything leaving the immediate family high and dry many Nigerian men still persists in naming their brother as next of kin or don’t put any measures in place to protect their spouse and children. Some family members with the connivance of some members of the society ensure they take everything. The nagging question remains why?

When I think of the emotional trauma I experienced after losing my husband and what I still experience, I can only imagine the heart ache and suffering widows who face these things go through. I ask myself for how long should widows in Nigeria, Africa and possibly other parts of the world keep quiet in the face of perceptions, practices and traditions that infringe on their rights as human beings and steal their pride, dignity and value?  Thankfully I married a good man who had a sense of responsibility and loved us enough to put our welfare first.

Today I celebrate you Tunbosun my husband!  I also hail my in laws who have proved to be genuine Christians and have not bothered us.  Since my husband died I have been the sole provider for my children. Suddenly I am responsible for their education, feeding, upkeep and everything that pertains to life and godliness. I am (under God) their mother, father, family head, leader, teacher, mentor, spiritual leader, bank, ATM, counsellor etc. and yet someone thinks I am not entitled to what their father left to make the burden lighter.

An Inheritance for who? Part 1

An Inheritance for who?

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children …

Proverbs 13: 22a

Sometime in September, I was a guest on a Live Radio Phone in programme in Abuja to discuss the issue of men putting in place adequate measures to ensure their wives and children are well catered for in the unfortunate event of their death. With me in the studio was a lawyer to shed light on writing wills and other things people could do to make sure all is well and their families don’t become destitute after their demise as is the case with many families in Nigeria.

Everything was going well that is until the first call came through from oneChukwudi. I had shared how my husband did not leave a will but my children and I have had no problems because everything he had was in our joint namesWell this didn’t go down well with Chukwudi because he said something like this ‘….this is the reason why my brothers/ people accuse women of killing their husbands. The widow you have there is talking about how she has everything. She is only concerned about money and property forgetting her husband’s brothers. I do things with my brothers and carry them a long so…….’

My goodness did I hear him well? Bottom line what he meant was how dare this widow talk of having what her husband left. It means she killed him to get a hold of his money and property. Now this man doesn’t know me, neither does he know or have an idea of my full story, my relationship with my husband, theagony and trauma I have been subjected to since losing him. He doesn’t have the slightest inkling of my contributions to the home and resources or even how much was left and if it could send my four children through school. Notwithstanding he jumped to the conclusion that if I was not a miserable, dejected widow living in abject poverty then I had killed my husband to make his property mine and he was callous and wicked enough to say so on a live Radio programme.

Whew! Really, I didn’t know whether to cry, be angry or ask him to ‘get a life’ in his opinion the brothers and not the wife and children were entitled to what their brother left. Fortunately a female caller gave it to him and advised him tomarry his brothers since he ‘cared so much about them’ a thought that had crossed my mind while he was speaking. I guess this man and others like him where expecting a widow who had been subjected to some of the hideous things widows go through, who had lost everything and was now poor, wretched and destitute.

That is the usual stereotype for the Nigerian widow. I guess if I had said my in-laws took everything threw me out of my home etc then he would have been happy. After all I am a widow an outcast with no rights or entitlements. I wasn’t supposed to have, or own anything even though I work hard. My life ended when my husband died and I don’t have value as an individual. That unfortunately is the perception of many Nigerians about widows so much so that even some widows accept it as their lot. I know widows or other women that would advise me not to share my story or just go on air and have a pity party complete with cake and ice cream to avoid the Chukwudi’s of this world from attacking and accusing me.

I am blessed to have had a husband who loved our children and I and wanted the best for us. He carried us along in all he did and kept me adequately informed of his transactions. Ours was an open and trusting relationship. So what exactly is the crime I committed that would make another man judge meso harshly. Many widows have been subjected to all manners of evil especially when it comes to the issue of inheritance or property. Is it okay to accuse women of killing their husbands just because his brothers are not in charge of what he left? Is it right or fair? Or is it unfair and unacceptable? 

This is the first of a three part post on this issue.  I hope you will follow through and leave comments I’d love to know your thoughts.

Empty Nest

When she could no longer hide him, she took 

For him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime

and with pitch ,and put the child therein; and she laid 

it in the flags by the river's brink.

Exodus 2:3

So my children have  resumed  school one after the other. That's the usual process over the years except that this time they were all leaving to the University and boarding Secondary Schools. Ever since my husband went on to be with Jesus my last daughter,the baby of the house has always been my companion when the others resumed school . This time however having gained admission to JSS 1 (First year in High school) she also left. Letting her go was bitter sweet. We had prayed and trusted God that she would do well and pass the exams and she did .  I was so thankful to God for helping her get into the school we wanted her to attend but at the same time it meant she would be leaving for boarding school and i would be home alone.

I can imagine how Moses' mother felt when in order to save him she had to make a basket put him in it and put it in the Nile. Not knowing what would happen it was a desperate  step and a last resort. She loved him but had to let him go because keeping him meant certain death. Through it all God was at work and arranged for Pharaoh's daughter to adopt him and give him to his mother to raise.  Even though moses' mum's situation was different i can relate to it because its about giving up the child you love to a new life. So like Moses' mum I let my baby go. I guess sometimes  letting go is part of being a good mom even at the risk of having an empty nest.Some well wishers had advised that I put her in a day school so I won't be left alone. Incidentally few months after her dad's death she asked me 'mummy who will stay with you when I go to boarding school ' I answered nobody and she said 'then I won't go'  I'll stay with you' so sweet of her. But I knew  she would eventually want to go. Her two older siblings went through boarding schools and the third one is still there. Should   i deny her the experience so she can be there for me? What of when they all finish school start working and possibly live in other towns and get married. I can't keep them from living their lives. Sooner or later they would have to leave.

So for the first time in the last few days I have been alone and returned home every evening to an 'empty nest'. Do I miss having the children around and the company? Yes but I am copying well, in fact the anticipation seems to have been worse than the actual thing. God knew a time like this would come in my life and I know he will work things out. So many people expressed concern for my being alone i heard many ooh's and  'eyahs'. Some  people  robbed it in by going on and on about how its not good to be alone so much so that I was tempted to put up a sign saying - don't talk to me about being alone! Instead of the pity and negativity on the ills of being alone a more positive response would have done me a world of good.  A simple statement like you'll be fine or you'll get through this or even an offer to come visit or an invitation to visit them would not have been out of place. The truth is many people who are not widows live alone and nobody carries on about them living alone. I don't think people even notice it . I guess for widows it is because  you have been living with your spouse  and children and suddenly he is gone and when the children leave people wonder how you will cope.

Again it is not what I bargained for, not what I want but that is my life, my reality . I can keep brooding about it and feeling bad or I can make the most of it. Being convinced that God is able to help me make the most of it i have thought out all the things being alone can help me achieve. If you are reading and you have an empty nest i hope you will find some encouragement. You may wish to try out some of the things or make your own list of what you can do.

First on my list is a closer more intimate fellowship with God. I have the time to pray as long as i want keeping the children covered in prayers and standing in the gap for others.  I can study the Bible more and develop a closer walk with God because my time is my own. As children grow your ministry to them becomes more spiritual than physical. For me this is the time of standing in the gap and occupying the office of a priest as i bring my family,friends, church and nation etc before God. Job 1:5 God can make you a spiritual cover for others and what a blessing you will be. It is also the time for the fulfillment of  dreams and visions. You will agree that raising children and running a home is a full time job and many times women have to give up their jobs,education or some passion they wanted to pursue to focus on the family. The empty nest is therefore a time to revive those dreams. Go back to school, get a job, start a business,  get involved in charity etc. I have been led to write another book and I believe now is the time to get down to it.

I  don't have to cook for anyone or attend to their needs much as I love caring for my family its nice not to worry sometimes and just take things easy. I also get to be in control of the remote control and watch what I want ( lol) I don't have to worry about who stays with my daughter or where to drop her and how she gets to school when I have to travel for work.  I also don't have to do school runs anymore ( yepee!) waking up at 5 am and leaving the house at 7 or before. Then picking my daughter late because I am at a meeting. There were many times she had to be with me in the office till late because there was no one to stay with her at home.  Then there were times we got home at 9pm or after and she would still be in school the next morning. 

A dear sister has always made  me an offer to spend a weekend at their place an offer that has always been open which I appreciate and will make use of. Apart from that I can visit with people more and be at more church activities which I enjoy. My dear mother also comes over and spends 2 or 3 months with me. In between i have my job which i go to every day and some house  work. This keeps me so busy and the days go by fast.Besides in a couple of weeks it will be a full house when they all come for the Christmas holidays and then other holidays so we  will still be spending a lot of quality time together and I get to see them on visiting days and midterm. For the older ones we speak regularly on phone and once in a while they come home for a weekend or public holidays.

Like Jochebed the mother of Moses I love my children and want the best for them so even though it is hard I let them go so they can get a good education and better opportunities in life.  I know they love me and pray for me and no matter where they are they are mine and we will always be there for each other because we are family. I know it's the same with you, your children may be off to school like mine or  they are all grown and have left home. Maybe you don't have children and so losing your husband means you are alone. Whatever it is you look ahead with great expectations and trust God with this season because like Joel Osteen says' the rest of your life is the best of your life!

Times and Seasons - Anniversaries

To every thing there is a season, and a time to to every purpose under the heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Life is full of times and seasons and controlled by the different times and seasons. The book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 from the first verse to the eighth lists out many of the times and seasons of life. A look at them show that some are good and pleasant and others are not.

The sum total of the good and bad seasons , the precious moments and sober ones, the beautiful and ugly experiences and the happy and sad times collectively make you the person you are. It also makes your life rich and full. The most important thing is that through it all God has walked with you and continues to walk with you to bring you to a wealthy place. Anniversaries usually signify the beginning  of a season or turning of one season to another. Simply put an anniversary is the commemoration or celebration of a previous event like birthdays, weddings and other notable life events. Usually they are times of joy of thanksgiving and appreciation to God. However when tragedy strikes or death steals a loved one anniversaries can be about the most difficult time. It brings memories of the joy and fulfillment of the past, makes the pain of loss more intense and probably brings regrets and sadness over what should have been that is not.

The 1st of October apart from being Nigeria's 54th  Independence  would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. It was also the 3rd wedding anniversary without my husband. Did I look forward to 20 years of marriage?  Most definitely I did. I remember attending a 25th wedding anniversary party of a couple in church years ago with my husband and looking forward to when it would be our turn and how I would like to celebrate it. Anytime I attended engagement and weddings ceremonies and see the parents of the bride or groom gayly dressed and enjoying the moment I prayed for God to keep my hubby and I to experience our children's weddings together. But none of the requests were granted. Not the 25th wedding anniversary or the weddings, I didn't even get to celebrate 20 years in marriage.  I have seen or known of couples who have been married for over 40 or 50 years. I remember thinking to myself that someone gets to be married for 48 years that's the exact number of years my husband was alive and thinking that's so not fair! While I was happy for them I couldn't help wishing I had more time.

Thankfully this year the pain, regret and what ifs were less. I guess I am coming to terms with this new season. Contrary to what I thought initially this season of my life is not the beginning of the end  but the entrance to another glorious season. A season birth out of weathering the storms of loss and widowhood. A season where my faith in a loving God has been tested. A season of  strength and  hope. A season of coming forth as gold after being tested in the furnace of affliction.

We all have to deal with anniversaries and the reminders they are of what was and what could have been. But the Lord is saying 'it is not over until I say it is'. There is hope in your future. Because you have been through what you have gone through and you are still standing you can be an instrument of hope and comfort in the Father's hands.

For You, O God , have tested us;

You have refined us as silver is refined.

You brought us into the net;

You laid affliction on our backs .

You have caused men to ride over our heads;

We went through fire and through water;

But You brought us to rich fulfillment.

Psalms 66:10-12