The Reproach of Widowhood 1

Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

Isaiah 54:4 (KJV

' Some people behave as if they will die or something if they come near you'  that was one of my children speaking few weeks after the loss of their dad. Few months later that child made the same comment. I had felt the same way sometimes but didn't really voice it out. Given my foggy state of mind I probably put it to me overreacting but coming from my child I realized my own thoughts in this regard where authentic. If there is one word I dislike and wish didn't exist it's the word widow. Looking back I wonder why? Apart from the fact that I never bargained for it and what it connotes i.e. the painful reminder that my hubby is gone I realise that probably why yours truly and other widows don't like the word is simply because of the stigma or reproach oftentimes associated with being a widow.

This brings me to the question what is reproach and do widows really experience reproach? To be double sure I checked the dictionary and found a definition I hadn't thought of.  My Merriam- Webster online dictionary defined it as 'an expression of rebuke or disapproval',  'a cause or occasion for blame, discredit or disgrace. That nailed it for me I had taken it to mean contempt, disgrace, disdain, shame but the word 'blame' just did it. Unfortunately many cultures in Nigeria blame a woman for her husband's death or think she has bad luck some of us can relate to the phrase 'her head is not good.' Many consider it a shameful thing to loose your husband so people avoid her so her shame or bad luck doesn't rub off on them. I must say things are a lot better due to Christianity and modernization. Many people and churches have advocated for stopping extreme negative practices including extreme cases of stigma or reproach that makes people react negatively to widows.

Unfortunately, while progress has been made a lot of people still consciously or unconsciously hold on to these erroneous beliefs.  Though they don't outrightly do any wrong to widows, their words, body language and actions send messages that can be described as reproach. The widow is then left to grapple with the pains of reproach coupled with the pain of her loss? Sadly this happens even among supposed children of God. The truth is that death is an enemy and the average human being cringes at the mention of death. However, while God can and does extend days in answer to prayers other times He chooses not to. God's desire is for us to live long and fulfilled lives and that is the desire of us humans also but because we live in a fallen world things dont always happen as expected. The moment Adam and Eve sinned death, sickness and all kinds of evil were introduced to the world thus altering God's original plan.  The good side of the story is that Jesus came and so we have hope once we place our faith in Him the greatest miracle He has given us is salvation and eternal life in heaven. That is where things will be perfect and death and all ills will be no more but on this side of eternity we can't wish them or faith talk them away. Again God is ahead of us and so even when we face loss and reproach He assures us us of His comfort and presence. In Isaiah 54:4 He says we should not fear because we will not be putto shame and we will not remember the reproach of widowhood. So if you are a widow and you are experiencing reproach be comforted.

 In many of our cultures death especially when it's a young person is seen as evil and a direct or indirect result of a curse, spell or witchcraft in local parlance  'jazz', 'remote control' etc. Usually the wife becomes the number one suspect and even when she is not a suspect there are some traditional mourning rites that in my opinion say this widow needs to be cleansed from death. These practices include shaving of the hair, having to sit and  sleep on the floor on a mat, eat from the cover of a pot or some ridiculous thing like that, have a plate and cutlery reserved for her, she may not be allowed to see sunlight for some time. I remember when some of the women from church would take me for a walk outside the house days after my husband died since i had been sitting in doors receiving guest, someone said 'no you are not supposed to go out, ideally you shouldn't even see light' .  Others are wearing black for a year or wearing specified mourning clothes for a year. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

Directly or indirectly the person is treated as an outcast and so people tend to see them as such. It's like widowhood is some terminal highly contagious disease.  Sadly some churches  don't help either.  I have been a believer for well over twenty years and seen many devoted Christians die. Some were prayer warriors, pastors, decent Christians with good character who lived right and served God diligently, they attended vigils and special programmes, made all the positive confessions  yet they died.  In the cases where they were sick they were prayed for,  brethren would fast and hold prayer vigils yet they died . Some of the reactions of their churches were 'we don't announce death in church' so there would be a hush around the church as people passed the information through whispers almost as if they were afraid of being caught talking about the dead. Some pastors try to avoid conducting funerals, some 'brethren' are afraid to sleep in the persons house or travel for the funeral so that spirit of death still lurking around will not get a hold on them. It's like the person that died is a failure a negative in the positives of the church in many instances the corpse is not brought into church for a proper funeral because' it will attract death to the church'. Some of these Invariably set the widow up to be reproached be it in the church or traditional setting and creates an impression about death that may not be Biblical.

God calls us to mourn with those that mourn so God knows there will be days of mourning and the need to stand by one another. When a person dies no matter the reason or cause the family left behind needs comfort and support not judgment. In as much as all the speculations and wanting to determine whose fault it is or is not will not bring them back then we should avoid such things and focus on helping the family move on.