Why? 1

Matthew 27:46 (NIV)

About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?”(which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)

The quest for answers is in-born in man, from the time a person gets to an age where they can reason they begin to ask questions like Why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from?And they will continue to ask questions till they die. There seems to be an insatiable desire to know the whys, ‘hows’, and ‘whats ’of life in the heart of man. The desire for knowledge and answers increases with age and I believe it was put in us by God. This desire is fundamentalto education and the socio cultural development of individuals, communities and nations. Parents begin to instil their values, culture and beliefs in their children from an early age as they provide answers about life, faith and God. When the child gets to school it is a continuation of finding answers.

While parents and education provide answers to many of life’s questions, we all know that a time comes when we have questions no one seems to be able to answer or which seem not to have answers. As a child I saw my mom as super woman she seemed to be in control of things and always knew what to do but as I grew I realised she was human like anyone else and therefore limited. The fact that people are limited in providing answers is more pronounced in times of loss and grief. Somehow no one has an answer to soothe our achinghearts; no one can tell us why our spouses, parents, children or other loved ones died. No one can tell us why it is us and not the next person. So such periods can be extremely difficult because we have questions racing through our minds with no answers.

When I lost my precious husband a number of people said things like ‘do not question God, Who are we mere men to question God, this is not the time for questions’. This may be true to an extent especially when my questions didn’t seem to be getting any answers. Howeverbefore I could process whether questioning God was right or not I would have asked so many questions in my heart.

Why? Is a natural response to pain and loss. Jesus was in agony as He hung on the cross in shame bearing the punishment for sins He didn’t commit and in the instant when God for the first time turned away from him the only natural response from his wounded body  grieving heart was My God, My God Why……?

This was Jesus fully God and fully man how much more you and i? The Bible says that His ways and thoughts are far from ours. They are higher and bigger but at the same time we are reminded that his plans for us are not evil but good to give us a future and a hope! Beloved if the questions come go ahead and ask, He is your father. But more importantly trust him even when you don’t have all the answers because he loves you deeply and is committed to your good.

Prayer

Lord Jesus I commit your precious child into your able hands. I ask that she find peace from being able to come before you with her questions and confusion. Help her to see beyond the pain to your love and goodness. Help her to trust you even when she doesn’t seem to have all the answers.

Who Am I ?

Genesis 1:27-28   (NKJV)

²⁷ So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. ²⁸ Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

I walked into the almost empty church and looked round for a seat. Knowing there would be senior pastors at the meeting I was careful about where to sit so I wouldn’t be asked to get up. As people arrived, the pastor presiding over the meeting took the microphone and announced for the different categories of pastors that were not in their allotted sitting areas to move there with their spouses. As some of the people around me got up to move, my mind began to wonder, if my husband where alive he would be here and I would be one of the spouses moving with her pastor husband. However, even though I am an ordained minister the fact that my husband is no more here excludes me from that group. The question I had asked countless times popped up. Who are you Halima? Does being an unmarried woman make you less than the married you? Time and again I have found myself in situations where I feel different from whom I was before losing my darling husband. Before he went to be with the Lord I was a pastor’s wife with oversight functions over the Teens/ Children’s Church and the Women Fellowship along with other responsibilities which I loved doing. Contrary to most women who struggled with their husband’s being pastors I never minded being a pastor’s wife. I loved the Lord and loved serving Him alongside my husband.

This and many such situations are painful reminders of life before and life after loss. From day one of being widowed I hated the word widow and the fact that I am now one. More so that there seems to be no place in society or even the church for a widow, we have singles and youth fellowships, men fellowships, women fellowships that tend to primarily meet the needs of married women but hardly any widow’s fellowships. So a widow just doesn’t seem to fit into any of the groups. Even certain social events are better suited for couples. So you are not married and not single, many times I am in a dilemma not knowing where I fit. I have realised that many married women loose a bit of their identity as distinct human beings by hiding under the shadow of who their husbands are. So when the man dies one thing they struggle with is their identity vis-à-vis their new status in life. The loss of a spouse can leave you feeling like half a human being especially because you did things together, went to places together or he held certain positions that gave you some responsibilities. You don’t only loose the man but also who you where and any position you occupied because you were his wife.

My Bible tells me God created them male and female in His image and He blessed them and told them (that is the two of them and not the man alone) to be fruitful, multiply, replenish and subdue the earth and have dominion. That is who you are! While the fact remains that you have lost some positions or privileges you had as a married woman, do not forget you are a distinct special human being made in God’s image and commanded to be fruitful and multiply. So beyond weeping over the past and what you have lost, look up and ahead to your future with hope! Many women have done excellently well in life including widows and you can be like them. Aimee Semple McPherson is a great example, she was widowed and had all sorts of challenges in life but it didn’t keep her from being who God called her to be and establishing the Foursquare Gospel Church. Her destiny and vision didn’t die with her husband neither should yours. You are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, bought by the blood of the Lamb, called for a specific purpose and highly favoured! You are special and have an enviable destiny! I encourage you to pursue the dream God put in your heart and be who He called you to be!

Loneliness 2

Psalms 68:1

God sets the lonely in families,

He leads out the prisoners with sing;...

Walking through the venue of the Film Festival (I mentioned in the first half of this post) as well as all the activities brought back vivid memories of two years ago when I returned back to work few days before the festival. That was one of the hardest and bravest things I have ever done. It took all the emotional strength and will power to go through the event. I had lost my darling husband just a month and few days before. I was the Festival Director and had put in so much into the preparations with much support from my husband. I knew he would have wanted me to go on and so I did. There were moments (many) when I disappeared somewhere to cry as I saw people walking around (especially men) talking and laughing the thought in my mind was ‘where is my own man?’  Why wasn’t he there? I felt so cheated by death and so alone.

He believed so much in me always letting me know I could do it. He was very interested in my career. I would share my challenges and he would listen and advice me. He usually had excellent counsel.  This was supposed to be our moment as many other moments. Moments of basking in the joy and pride of accomplishment the Joy of having someone affirm you and say ‘I told you can do it!’ We all know it’s not everyone you can share such moments with. People are not interested in all the little details of what’s going on in your life. They have their own lives to live and challenges to surmount. The truth is that having someone continuously by your side to share your life with is great. Now all you get is a fragment of other people’s lives or time. Yet you want more than that so you can pour out all that’s in you…frustrating isn’t it?  

The Holy Spirit began to remind me that I do have someone to share all my highs and lows with. One who is willing to listen without getting tired or bored. The Holy Spirit is the Counsellor, Comforter, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener and Standby. Though he is not there physically he is always there. Some time back I watched the Evangelist Kathryn Khulman preaching and she said ‘the Holy Spirit is more real to me than any of you’ I have never forgotten that statement and longed for that intimacy with Him. I remember my Tunbosun always talked of the need to cultivate the presence of the Holy Spirit. By making deliberate efforts to press in deeper in our relationship with the Lord as widows it will help fill the void of loneliness. The Lord is near and wants to listen to us and talk to us. That is what God is calling us into.

This week cultivate God’s presence by spending some more time in prayer, studying the word, listening to gospel music in your car, at home or quietly playing the Bible on tape or messages. Then be conscious of His presence always. Pray always i.e. just talk with him when you feel the need to talk.

Secondly, as we spend time with Him He can also lead us to people and relationships that will be helpful. Since being widowed God has brought some amazing people into my life including widows that I can call friends. We can talk, share experiences, encourage each other and pray together because they know exactly what it means to be widowed and lonely they are willing to listen and are genuinely concerned about me and vice versa. The truth is many people are lonely but afraid to reach out because of the fear of rejection and being hurt. I deliberately made efforts to reach out to widows. Some attempts did not work but others did. Once people know you care they will open up and friendships can be developed. While some old relationships seem to have diminished or been lost others have waxed stronger. Do not force yourself on people but prayerfully ask God to bring friends and companionship your way and then be watchful because he will. God created man with a need for fellowship and so he is committed to helping you fill that need. Don’t have a pity party and think no one loves or wants you sometimes this wrong notion makes us bitter and unhappy giving us an unfriendly countenance that keeps people from us. Be warm and friendly. Try to reach out to someone this week it could be another widow or someone in need or who has lost a loved one, a lonely or hurting person. Visit them, pray for and with them or take them out. Just whatever is convenient and workable for you.

You might think what of the times when the friends leave or I return from visits or outings with friends to an empty house especially when you live alone. For me that is the time to do things you like read, watch TV or a movie, write, sew, cook or bake something to take to someone or simply rest and relax depending on what your interest is. It could also be a time to spend with the Lord. From time to time you could invite someone over for the weekend. 

Being involved in church and serving in one group or the other or volunteering in one charitable work or the other can be a good way to relieve loneliness it keeps you from thinking about your ‘unfortunate situation’, gives you the opportunity to be a blessing and can give you joy, fulfilment and purpose.

There are people that feel they need a man, this is okay. As a widow you are free to marry again especially if you are young with a whole life ahead. Your marriage vows said till death do you part and death has parted you, if you feel having a husband is the solution for you. Go ahead and talk to God about it and let Him lead you like He did for Ruth in the Bible.

Now I know all these things or people cannot take the place of your husband and I am not suggesting they can or will. However, the truth is your husband is gone but you are here. You shouldn’t spend the rest of your life brooding over your loss and wishing things were different. You deserve to live a good, healthy and fulfilled life. Focus on living life and doing what God has left you here for. God does set the lonely in families it could be a church family, a new family or friends.

If your loss is relatively new you may want to give yourself time to grief and come to terms with your new life before trying some of these suggestions. This is by no means an exhaustive list of loneliness do’s and don’ts but just a few tips that might be helpful. 

I would really like to hear from you, maybe there is something that has helped you deal with loneliness which you can share to help others. I’ll appreciate your comments.

Loneliness 1

LONELINESS 1

Psalms 25:16

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

The last couple of weeks have been a whirl wind of activities for me both at work and in my church and personal life. At work there was so much going on and climaxing in our biennial Zuma Film Festival. So much planning, paper work, meetings blah blah blah…!

The day after the festival was day 2 of the World Economic Forum holding in Abuja where I live, government had given 3 work free days to government workers in Abuja. So I wake up in the morning and just lay in bed. A holiday was a welcome relief or was it? Here I was lying in bed and from deep within the all too familiar feeling since the death of my beloved husband was rising - sadness and loneliness! My phone had been ringing quite a bit since I got up, a colleague trying to find out one thing or the other, a guest needing their airport pick up confirmed and so on but through the phone calls, morning devotion with my 2 children who were home it lingered. Then I realised it had been there since the night before in the midst of all the activities and the Closing Ceremony of the Festival. Loneliness! There seemed to be a streak of sadness also. You know the kind that won’t go away and you just can’t shake off.

Outwardly I looked okay talking, laughing and doing whatever needed to be done but deep down I wasn’t okay. I had been up and about but the loneliness remained even in the midst of people. Loneliness defies the presence of people and activity. Then came the news of the passing of an acquaintance husband then a friend’s husband also passed on. There is a way such news hits home reminding you of ‘that day’ my heart went out to these women and their families knowing well the pains of loss. This made me feel ‘sadder’.

Looking back I realize part of the reason I felt this way was because there had not been anyone to really share the pains of disappointment and the joys of success with. Life is meant to be shared so when the one person to share with is not there it tends to steal the joy out of life making the down moments more difficult and dampening the high moments. Success is sweeter when shared with those that are proud of you. One of the pains of widowhood is loneliness no one to listen to you and no one to share the nitty gritty details of life with. When I lost my husband life seemed like an endless lonely journey and I didn’t want it, it would be too unbearable.

Loneliness is a reality we must come to terms with but like all we have to deal with in life we must not be overcome by it. The psalmist cried out to the Lord because he knew God could do something about his loneliness. It means God knows and cares and will do something about your loneliness. Perhaps this is the time to cultivate God’s presence like never before. Over time I have learnt certain ways God helps us deal with loneliness,  a closer relationship with the Lord, new & old friends, family, a new love and remarriage, being committed to a worthy project, reaching out to the hurting, lonely and less privileged or learning to enjoy ‘yourself’ and the times you have to be alone. I will share some more in my next post.

For now let’s turn to God in prayer like the Psalmist did.

Dear God, I bring your child before you today. I ask you to turn to her and be gracious to her for she is lonely and afflicted. Only you can fill the void in her heart and life, so I ask you to fill it. Surround her with your love and peace and let her know she can count on you to be always there with her. In Jesus most precious name I pray. Amen!

AN EVER PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE 3

 

Daniel 3:24-28

New King James Version

²⁴ Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?”They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.”

²⁵ “Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.”

²⁶ Then Nebuchadnezzar went near the mouth of the burning fiery furnace and spoke, saying, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here.” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego came from the midst of the fire.

 ²⁷ And the satraps, administrators, governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together, and they saw these men on whose bodies the fire had no power; the hair of their head was not singed nor were their garments affected, and the smell of fire was not on them.

²⁸ Nebuchadnezzar spoke, saying, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, who sent His Angel and delivered His servants who trusted in Him, and they have frustrated the king’s word, and yielded their bodies, that they should not serve nor worship any god except their own God!

When Shadrach Meshach and Abednego were taken captive, they were young and had their whole lives ahead of them. They were obviously from godly homes because we see them refusing to eat meat from the kings table because it had been sacrificed to idols in keeping with their Jewish beliefs. Yet in spite of being prisoners of war in a strange land they never turned their backs on God we have no record that they ever returned home or where reunited with their families but they kept waxing stronger in faith. As far as they were concerned even if God chose to allow them to be thrown into a burning furnace to be roasted to death for choosing to honour him they were okay with it, totally submitted to God’s will for their lives.

 

This was something I struggled so much with i.e. accepting what God allowed. Like these Hebrews I found myself in a ‘strange land’ called widowhood. My belief was God would satisfy my family and I with long life because we were His children and specifically asked Him for protection and long life and we didn’t deliberately do anything life threatening. This made it so difficult to accept my husband’s early death. However as Christians if we have done what we know to do we should leave the results in God’s hands because He alone has the big picture and regardless of what we have experienced he does all things our best interest.

As to be expected the king was furious and asked the furnace to be heated 7 times hotter than it should be and then had them bound and cast into the burning fiery furnace. The furnace was so hot that those that threw them in were consumed by the fire. The king and his advisers settled to watch these men burn but suddenly the king rose in haste and said to his counselors, did we not cast three men into the fire and they answered yes. Then he said ‘But I see four! He must have wondered if his eyes were playing a trick on him. There was something about the fourth man, according to the king he looked like the son of God! My Goodness! This makes me so excited! Yes! The ever and very present help was right there in the fire with them never leaving them nor forsaking them even for a moment.

An Ever Present Help in Trouble 2

AN EVER PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE 2

Psalm 46:1-5

King James Version

1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

² Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
³ Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
⁴ There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
⁵ God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

After writing the first part of this post when the Lord laid Ps. 46: 1-5 on my heart, I have been thinking and mediating on this passage (one of my favourite in scripture) what really stood out again is the fact that verse one says, God is a very present help in trouble, simply put he is there when you and I are in trouble not just present but VERY present. To me that means in trouble his presence takes control and becomes a refuge from the storm and a source of strength to keep us from falling and giving up.

Verse 2 says Therefore we will not fear in other words because God is with you no matter how harsh the storms you are facing even if your world physically, emotionally or in any other way seems to be falling apart, or the mountains are carried and thrown into the sea, the waters roar – that shows how angry and fierce the storm is, you can rest assured that you’ll get through it. We can liken the storm of death or loss to natural disasters, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis or earthquakes and easily recall the devastation they leave behind when they come calling. The most technologically advanced man made strategies put in place cannot hinder them. Many times even the most prepared nations ask people to evacuate areas where such disasters are expected. Why? The storm is to powerful and carries death and destruction with it. Yet God says He is a refuge in the midst of these kinds of storms.

You may have lost your husband or loved one to a natural disaster so you have experienced the strength of the storm of loss and grief but remember God is stronger and through it all He is with you. The loss of your husband or loved one has the impact of a storm with such a powerful force that could not be contained.  It came uninvited and stole something from you. Now you feel like you are still in the midst of the storm that is threatening to overwhelm you. The good news is that God is there with you.

I am reminded of the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in Daniel 3:1-30. These were foreigners who had risen to prominence in Babylon. Then one day king Nebuchadnezzar builds an image of gold and commands everyone to worship it with dire consequences for anyone who refuses. But because these men knew their God and that he was well able to save them in verse17 – 18 they tell the king that they know God will save them but if he chooses not to, they will not bow to his image. From the passage we find the King had threatened saying “who is that God that will deliver you out of my hands ‘ Nebuchadnezzar was about the most powerful man on earth and had the ability and capacity to make good His threat. He didn’t think any God could save them or anyone else from his hands no matter how powerful the God was.

The Ever Present help in Trouble.

God is our refuge and strenght,
A very present help in trouble,
Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be
removed,
And though the mountains be
carried into the midst of the
sea;
Though the waters roar and be
troubled,
Though the mountains shake
with its swelling.
There is a river whose streams
shall make glad the city of God.
The holy place of the tabernacle
of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her,she shall not be moved;
God shall help her,just at the
break of dawn.
Psalms 46:1-5

As one day gives way for another and the night gives way to dawn the Lord God Almighty shall help you. He will send you the help you need to get through another day. The Lord thy God in the midst of you is mighty. Therefore like the Psalm said you shall not be moved.

The Lord your God in your
Midst,
The Mighty One,will save;
He will rejoice over you with
gladness,
He will quiet you with His
love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

Beloved be quieted in your spirit and soul by His love. Yes, He loves you and has good plans for you. I pray for you today that from your pain, loss and grief you will grow more
in the Lord and experience His love, peace, grace and abiding presence in new and

deeper measures. Remember God is your refuge from the storms of life including

 widowhood, He is your strenght and your ever present help in trouble. No matter what the challenge is He's got your back and He is right there with you. He  will walk you out of it to a safe place.
Keep holding on!