Loneliness 2

Psalms 68:1

God sets the lonely in families,

He leads out the prisoners with sing;...

Walking through the venue of the Film Festival (I mentioned in the first half of this post) as well as all the activities brought back vivid memories of two years ago when I returned back to work few days before the festival. That was one of the hardest and bravest things I have ever done. It took all the emotional strength and will power to go through the event. I had lost my darling husband just a month and few days before. I was the Festival Director and had put in so much into the preparations with much support from my husband. I knew he would have wanted me to go on and so I did. There were moments (many) when I disappeared somewhere to cry as I saw people walking around (especially men) talking and laughing the thought in my mind was ‘where is my own man?’  Why wasn’t he there? I felt so cheated by death and so alone.

He believed so much in me always letting me know I could do it. He was very interested in my career. I would share my challenges and he would listen and advice me. He usually had excellent counsel.  This was supposed to be our moment as many other moments. Moments of basking in the joy and pride of accomplishment the Joy of having someone affirm you and say ‘I told you can do it!’ We all know it’s not everyone you can share such moments with. People are not interested in all the little details of what’s going on in your life. They have their own lives to live and challenges to surmount. The truth is that having someone continuously by your side to share your life with is great. Now all you get is a fragment of other people’s lives or time. Yet you want more than that so you can pour out all that’s in you…frustrating isn’t it?  

The Holy Spirit began to remind me that I do have someone to share all my highs and lows with. One who is willing to listen without getting tired or bored. The Holy Spirit is the Counsellor, Comforter, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener and Standby. Though he is not there physically he is always there. Some time back I watched the Evangelist Kathryn Khulman preaching and she said ‘the Holy Spirit is more real to me than any of you’ I have never forgotten that statement and longed for that intimacy with Him. I remember my Tunbosun always talked of the need to cultivate the presence of the Holy Spirit. By making deliberate efforts to press in deeper in our relationship with the Lord as widows it will help fill the void of loneliness. The Lord is near and wants to listen to us and talk to us. That is what God is calling us into.

This week cultivate God’s presence by spending some more time in prayer, studying the word, listening to gospel music in your car, at home or quietly playing the Bible on tape or messages. Then be conscious of His presence always. Pray always i.e. just talk with him when you feel the need to talk.

Secondly, as we spend time with Him He can also lead us to people and relationships that will be helpful. Since being widowed God has brought some amazing people into my life including widows that I can call friends. We can talk, share experiences, encourage each other and pray together because they know exactly what it means to be widowed and lonely they are willing to listen and are genuinely concerned about me and vice versa. The truth is many people are lonely but afraid to reach out because of the fear of rejection and being hurt. I deliberately made efforts to reach out to widows. Some attempts did not work but others did. Once people know you care they will open up and friendships can be developed. While some old relationships seem to have diminished or been lost others have waxed stronger. Do not force yourself on people but prayerfully ask God to bring friends and companionship your way and then be watchful because he will. God created man with a need for fellowship and so he is committed to helping you fill that need. Don’t have a pity party and think no one loves or wants you sometimes this wrong notion makes us bitter and unhappy giving us an unfriendly countenance that keeps people from us. Be warm and friendly. Try to reach out to someone this week it could be another widow or someone in need or who has lost a loved one, a lonely or hurting person. Visit them, pray for and with them or take them out. Just whatever is convenient and workable for you.

You might think what of the times when the friends leave or I return from visits or outings with friends to an empty house especially when you live alone. For me that is the time to do things you like read, watch TV or a movie, write, sew, cook or bake something to take to someone or simply rest and relax depending on what your interest is. It could also be a time to spend with the Lord. From time to time you could invite someone over for the weekend. 

Being involved in church and serving in one group or the other or volunteering in one charitable work or the other can be a good way to relieve loneliness it keeps you from thinking about your ‘unfortunate situation’, gives you the opportunity to be a blessing and can give you joy, fulfilment and purpose.

There are people that feel they need a man, this is okay. As a widow you are free to marry again especially if you are young with a whole life ahead. Your marriage vows said till death do you part and death has parted you, if you feel having a husband is the solution for you. Go ahead and talk to God about it and let Him lead you like He did for Ruth in the Bible.

Now I know all these things or people cannot take the place of your husband and I am not suggesting they can or will. However, the truth is your husband is gone but you are here. You shouldn’t spend the rest of your life brooding over your loss and wishing things were different. You deserve to live a good, healthy and fulfilled life. Focus on living life and doing what God has left you here for. God does set the lonely in families it could be a church family, a new family or friends.

If your loss is relatively new you may want to give yourself time to grief and come to terms with your new life before trying some of these suggestions. This is by no means an exhaustive list of loneliness do’s and don’ts but just a few tips that might be helpful. 

I would really like to hear from you, maybe there is something that has helped you deal with loneliness which you can share to help others. I’ll appreciate your comments.