The Journey from Deathto Life

10For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried.[] 11Thou broughtest us into the net; thou laidst affliction upon our loins.[] 12Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.

Psalms 66:10-12

I feel  the need to share certain issues relating to widowhood in Nigeria. Actually it's something I've wanted to do since last year. I guess the time is right. I remember after I wrote my book someone from my mum's church wrote me and commended me for writing the book. He then raised issues that are very real for many widows in Nigeria. His was a very encouraging letter and the issues he raised very important. He suggested I expand the book to touch on areas not reflected in the book. These are some of the issues he raised mostly they were questions he felt needed answers that would be helpful for others.

1) Many families accuse the wives of killing the husband and subject them to all sorts of things like taking the woman naked and shaven to a shrine to prove their innocence.What was your experience?

2) Did he (my husband) have a will? What happened to the family's  ( referring to our nuclear family) property or his property. In many African cultures the husbands family take everything leaving the wife and children with nothing.

3) Supposing you don't have a job how will you cope? Does the family help support you and the children?

4) In situations were the man's family had objected to the marriage after his death there is the likelihood of the woman being thrown out of the house possibly with her children.  (know the after all you are not our wife thing).

5) In some cases a living relative of the man inherits the wife.  Suppose this happens to you what will you do. (Me ....... not my portion) what can other women faced with this do?

6) What about remarriage? Have you ever considered it? You have four children, what will you do if this situation arises for you.  If not how will you cope with remaining single?

7) How do you cope with mischievous men who come around to cheat? They pretend to want to help but have sinister motives.

8)  Can we have a listing of your thoughts without suppressing or keeping anything away. What is your perception of life since his demise.

9)  Where you relatively independent or were you 100% dependent on him? What about widows who were 100% dependent on the man?

Basically these were his thoughts and comments not verbatim but  I really appreciated  him but didn't know the avenue that would be open for me to address the questions. Didn't know I'd have a blog. If you are a Nigerian reading this or even African many of these issues will not be new but if you are not you may almost freak out at the thought of some of the things  mentioned Lol. Anyway I will be addressing these and other issues in the blog in the weeks ahead.

My desire is to help someone somewhere so i will be as open as possible. I want you to know that because you are a widow doesn't mean you are a door mat. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. After your husband's death you have the right to mourn him as you choose after all the relationship you shared was unique to the two of you. You are also free underGod to live a full and purposeful life. Don't let anyone or anything rob you of the privilege of living a good life.

Over and over again I say this - loosing a spouse is not a small thing it's a major alteration of your life and people can't even begin to understand the impact it has on you it takes only the grace of God to make. So I really don't get it when people make it more difficult. My question is why? Why? why? Some of the issues I will also share are;

1) Do widows face any form of stigmatization

2) Where does a christian widow draw the line on traditional practices like cutting her hair, not going out or seeing the sun for sometime etc.

3) Why do some churches not allow the casket to be brought into the church in fact the corpse should not come near the church premises.

4) Dealing with religious Judgmental people and those who suffer from 'verbal diarrhea'

5) What is the role of the church beyond the Christmas and Easter rice?

While a number of the issues are peculiar to Nigerians others are universal. I titled this 'series' if you may , The Journey from Death to Life because widowhood is a journey that begins as a result of your husbands death and the above listed things and so much more are the things you deal with to get to a point where you can live again. It is a difficult journey you are tried like silver, go through affliction, fire and water but  I encourage you to follow Jesus as He pilots you through whatever issues you face till He brings you to your wealthy place. Your place of abundance and restoration.

Do Not be Discouraged

2 Corinthians 4:16-18Amplified Bible (AMP)

16 Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day.

17 For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!],

18 Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.

Amplified Bible (AMP)

The Apostle Paul was one man that faced a number of discouraging situations in his life. He understood the possibility  of becoming discouraged, exhausted physically and emotionally, worn out and utterly spiritless.  Frankly many of us can relate with Paul in this. As I type this post I am so tired and feel drained from the activities that have summed up my life in the last month. There has been so much to do( there still is) sometimes I don't know where to start and what to do next but somehow I have managed to keep going. Other times I have felt so overwhelmed and discouraged not knowing how to accomplish my multiple tasks. I realize that part of the pressure I feel is because I have to do things alone. Over the past three years i have combined my husband's role and responsibility in the family with mine coupled with church and other responsibilities i sometimes feel I can't do this.

There are more than enough problem in this  world  to discourage anyone and for a widow it can be overwhelming.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 is one passage of scripture that has ministered tremendously to me especially in the first year after my husband went home. I was encouraged because whatever I am going through is 'momentary' Paul says it is 'light and a slight distress.....Hmnn not to sure about that Apostle Paul because it does seem quite heavy and intense. But then compared to the glory that awaits us he is right. He says we are to expect an everlasting weight of glory that is beyond all measure, comparison and all calculations. It's really something to look forward to.

I felt like sharing these verses with the hope that the Holy Spirit will minister to you and replace every discouragement with hope Be assured that God is mindful of you in all the challenges of life and the grief. Do not focus on the problems  because they are temporary and will pass but look to the things that are not seen because they are deathless and everlasting. Beyond all the hopes we have for a blessed and fulfilled life here on earth we can be encouraged that one day we will also cross over to eternity to be reunited with our loved ones forever. A place where there will never be sickness, accidents, failures, affliction, sorrow or death. It will just be glory, joy unspeakable, peace and rest from all struggles.

I pray for you that the Lord will renew your inner man and strengthen you. May He grant you his peace in the midst of your storms and meet all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Amen

Gratitude

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1Thessalonians  5:18

Many years ago my mum read out the content of a letter she had received from a Baptist missionary family. They had been family friends in Jos, North Central  Nigeria and even after they left had kept in touch. This family had been through a lot, as a  child, their daughter's class mate pulled away a chair she was going to sit on and she fell on the floor. What was meant to be an innocent prank led to her being paralyzed from the waist down.  From then on, Her life was characterized with surgeries, pain and I guess some level of limitations i.e not being able to move around normally etc. Well  in this letter written by her mom or her around Christmas time they mentioned she had been through 3 surgeries) ( by this time she was a grown woman) and they also mentioned  the health/physical challenges she had been through that year. As my mom read out the letter I was struck by it's tone, it wasn't sad, complaining and neither did it have any form of self pity instead it was an account of the year that was ending to a friend. I guess the letter contained other information on other things about how their year had been but honestly i don't remember any of that but I have remembered the tone of that letter and it's  conclusion which read 'there  is so much to be grateful for and so little to complain about' wow! I must have been in my early teens or younger when my mom read that letter to us but over thirty years after that letter remains one of the most powerful messages I have heard on gratitude in my life. 

I remember how we were so touched by the content especially all this woman and her family had been through but in it all they saw SO MUCH to be thankful for and little to complain about.  Put my self in their shoes yours truly would have probably had an end of year pity party 'complete with cake and ice cream'. In fact I had one of those recently. I was reading a book and the author shared testimonies of God's goodness to her and how her hubby and children made her last birthday an amazing one with a diamond studded wrist watch and surprise party. I was happy for her then at a point I began comparing my life to hers and my many blessings seemed to fade in the face of her testimonies and blessings. My birthday was round the corner and I wasn't going to have my husband buying me an expensive gift and having a surprise party for me. In fact it's something I will ever experience again from Tunbosun. My husband is gone and my children are still young and dependent on me so they can't afford expensive gifts.

Well the author dedicated a part of her book to gratitude and in it she said something phenomenal and it had to do with thanking God for the things we don't want that we don't have. That jolted me back to reality..what are some of the things I don't want and don't have? Sickness or some terminal disease, way ward/ rebellious children, not being able to cater for my children....the list is endless...think about it!

My birthday came and at 12.am my second daughter came into my room to say Happy Birthday, then my phone beeped it was my first daughter who was in school, she sent the most touching and heartwarming Birthday wish 'to the best mom ever', later on I got a text message from my son saying I was the most awesome person he knows. In the morning the baby of the house walked into my room wished me Happy birthday and gave me a wrapped present. It was a beautiful bead necklace with earrings and a bracelet. She had made it for her school class  project.  Before I left for work my son transferred the most amazing video he had made for me using family pictures. It said 'I am Halima and this is my Story' He got pictures beginning from my childhood and told the story of my life in few minutes he included a number of his dad's pictures and talked about 'when he slept'  and how distraught I was then I decided to go on at this point he had pictures of my book 'Beyond the shadow of Death' i was simply blown away. The day was characterized by phone calls my mom,brother,even school mates I had not talked with in years, text messages. Wattsapp messages, Facebook messages my goodness, I felt like a celebrity!I felt so so loved. My pity party gave way to 'I  am so sorry Lord' I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I may not have received diamonds like the other lady but I had people who loved and appreciated me, who thought about me and took time to reach out and wish me well. 

It is so easy to loose track of God 's blessings and love when we focus on things that are 'not right' in our lives. But if we deliberately decide to count our blessings and name them one by one indeed it will surprise us what the Lord has done. When you suffer loss there is a tendency to see the negative I can't imagine how many times I have asked why my husband died, at a time I felt we loved and served God with all our hearts and He paid us back with evil. It just didn't  make sense. God wasn't angry with me and He's not angry with you if you have had similar thoughts. He understands and feels your pain. Today He is asking you to trust Him with this tragedy and with your future. 

It maybe a few days,weeks, months or years since you lost your husband and you are still standing. As you go along on this journey of grief look for little things or milestones if you will to be thankful for. ( it may take time) and thank Him. There is a Nigerian saying that when you are thankful you receive more.  To me showing gratitude means trust, you are saying Lord I don't get this but I choose to trust you knowing  my life and future is secure in you and You will make even this work for my good.

Prayer

Father I thank you for your precious child who is reading this. Please touch her (his) broken heart as only you can. Bring her to a point where she is able to thank you for the blessings you give her daily. Turn her mourning into dancing like you promised and give her reasons to thank you and rejoice in you always.

Living Full- Dying Empty

My intention was to to have this post on the blog on the 31st of March because it was my 3 year mark. Somehow I couldn't finish it and so I decided to make it my Easter Monday post then. Easter Monday came and my data finished and I got caught up in all the 'busyness' of life and it's another Monday. Lord help me .....anyway I hope you will be blessed reading.

The 31st March, 2012 changed my life forever, it is a day that is etched in my memory for life. A simple phone call that day changed my life completely. Today three long and yet short years have gone by without my dear husband Olatunbosun S. Oyelade.  It has definately not been an easy ride but Like I always say God has been so faithful. There is a song that says 'The God of the mountain is still God in the valley..' In the over forty years of my life I have had quite a number of mountain top experiences as well as a fair deal of valley experiences topping the list of course is losing my husband. 

Today's post is a special thank you to the Risen Christ for how far He has brought me and my children in the last three years. It is also a tribute to my husband and the life he lived. As I remember the events of that day 3 years ago my heart aches but at the same time I am full of gratitude to the Lord,  grateful for the amazing ways He has blessed, kept and provided for my four children and I.  A few years back I read a book by Myles Munroe and in it he mentioned the issue of dying empty. According to him God sends each of us into the world with gifts,talents and abilities He expects us to to use for the benefit of mankind so that at the time of our death we would have off loaded everything we have and die empty leaving the world a better place. This must have informed one of his popular phrases i.e. 'the graveyard is the richest place on earth' as a result of unfulfilled dreams and assignments the cemetery contains great doctors, engineers,economists, preachers etc that never were. 

Nobody wants to live and die without achieving anything. Everyone wants to live a fulfilled life, a 'full' life if you may. Many times I think of my own life and over and over again I ask God to help me live well and die empty. In the last few days I have thought over my husband's life and the fact that he died at the young age of 48 on the other hand looking back I can say he lived a full life the major reason being that he lived for Jesus. I will share some of the things he did that I believe made him live a happy, fulfilled  albeit 'short' life. On the day it would have been his 49th  birthday the children and I sat together to talk of him and one thing that was clear was the fact that he was the most jovial person in our home. He joked a lot,  told  a lot of stories and laughed a lot. He simply added joy and happiness to our lives. Generally he was a happy person who didn't get discouraged easily. He had his fair share of challenges and reasons to be discouraged but like David he would often encourage himself in the Lord. He was also a very positive person always focussing on the good and best instead of the bad and negative. There were times he faced rejection, betrayal and all sorts after talking it over I would sometimes be overwhelmed by the situation and not have much to say or do to encourage him or proffer a solution besides praying for him. He however would spend time reading his Bible to draw strength, spend time in prayer and other times just go to bed early and by the next morning he would be up and ready to face another day having put any unpleasant event behind him. 

Another quality in him was his love and concern for people. He often went out of his way to help solve other peoples challenges, spend time talking over issues, visit them and assist in anyway he could. When he was a Sunday school teacher he would look out for people in his class who would make good teachers and encourage them to join the teaching team. So it was with other Church units if he noticed a gifting in a person in a particular area he would encourage them to sign up as workers and use their gifts in the Lord's service. This is something he did before ever becoming a minister or pastor he just loved to see people doing well. When he would go out of his way to visit, encourage and reach out to people as a pastor some people thought he was only doing it to make the church grow. I recall someone telling him ' you don't have to go after the people just pray after all  it's God that adds to the Church', really! This person did not realize he was just being himself.  It was the same thing when it came to careers, businesses and other issues he often had such good counsel for people to help them in their carers or businesses or help them start one. I met him sometime in December 1991 at Church. I  was a first timer in the church and after service he met me outside introduced himself and asked my name and details that's how we became friends. I later got to know that he made it a point of duty to reach out to newcomers in church and befriend them. He used to say it's so easy for people to get lost in church they would come unnoticed and leave unnoticed with their problems intact. So in his own little way he did something. 

My husband loved evangelism and missions. There were people he followed, witnessed to and encouraged to be part of a Bile believing Church or members of the Full Gospel Business Men's Fellowship. He used to get so excited about winning souls I remember one time after ministering to someone he said he felt so happy  like he had just eaten a nice plate of salad.  Any opportunity to support missions was welcome by him. In our early years in marriage the Lord had led me support missions, I had some extra cash and was contemplating whether to send it to a missionary or buy a new shoe. When I asked his advice without a second thought he said' for you it's just another shoe but for the missionary it could mean something much more important. That has influenced my response to other peoples needs many times since then. 

I have shared all this in remembrance of him but more as an encouragement. No matter what life has thrown at you choose to remain positive as you trust God for a better tomorrow. Love they say makes the world go round and if there is one thing God desires to see in us expressed towards others it is love. There is something about showing love and being concerned for others that adds value and gives joy. I believe it is one of the greatest secrets of living full and dying empty. There is a hurting world out there. Forget the cover up of clothes, houses, cars and other material things or accomplishments many people are looking for who will just love them. It could be something as simple as a smile, a hug, a prayer, a word of encouragement, a gift , spending time with someone, opening your home to someone the list is endless and the effects can be amazing. The fact that you have experienced hurt and grief means you understand and can be used of God to comfort others. I read something that said 'when you are born you cry and others laugh (rejoice) so you should live in such a way that when you die  you will laugh and others will cry. I thank God for my husband because I can say it's not how long but how well. I know he lived a full life. He wasn't perfect (who is) but he did his best to live to the glory of God. Remember success in life is not measured by our material wealth or possessions or even what men think of us. Its about doing what God put you here to do. I invite you to step out in faith and love to the adventure of life God has in store for you so go ahead and live full! 

It's Me Lord

The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Jeremiah 31:3

Apart from my entire life changing drastically after the sudden loss of my husband, it signaled the beginning of questions about my relationship with God and most importantly His love for me. Many times in the early days and weeks i heard myself telling God 'it's me Lord,Halima remember the one you love so much, the same Halima and Tunbosun that you engraved in the palm of your hands'. I would go on trying to remind God that He loved me (as if He had forgotten). I believed He loved my family and i too much to allow us suffer in anyway. How could a God who said he loved me so much take my husband so early. Somehow the tragedy of my husband's sudden death and a loving God didn't mix. We loved God and served Him and I felt His part of the deal was to keep us safe and bless us that included the blessing of long life. So why did He deny my husband the privilege of living long....and then my thoughts would inadvertently return to 'it's me Lord' you love, me remember, such thoughts constantly reverberated in my mind. 

My Provincial  Pastor was sitting with me one of the days and I blurted out 'maybe it's because I didn't pray enough' I had been whipping my self up trying to figure out why God took my husband. The many people that came and said things like 'agh the devil did it, didn't you get a hunch in your Spirit, God must have spoken to  but....., you have to be prayerful' etc did not help matters (amazing what people say to you when you loose a loved one) People haven't changed much since the days of Job and his friends who kept telling him he must have sinned or failed in some way or the other and was receiving the punishment he deserved from the righteous God. I remember telling God at a point that it wasn't their fault but His after all if He didn't take my husband every Tom, Dick, and Harriet (Harry) wouldn't come into my home and judge me or  analyze a situation they really didnt know anything about. Anyway back to what i was saying  I had worked up my self to a point where I believed if I had missed it somehow and maybe God's love had been replaced by His anger prayed.You see the thing was i was putting finishing touches to my Masters degree thesis while preparing for a film festival at work for which i was the Festival Director plus the regular routine of being  wife,mother, pastor's wife and children church teacher. I often had to work late into the night and be up early to a busy schedule and my prayer time became less.  Somewhere in my mind was the thought that God was not happy with me for not spending as much time as I should with him and so He withdrew His love and didn't bother to watch over us as He usually did. Thankfully my pastor's response was that God wasn't like that and he asked if as a mother i would punish my children by killing them if they offended or hurt me? The truth is I wouldn't even think of it so why would I think God who loved me more than i love my children do that. Though i knew God's nature to be love  my grieving heart was questioning this love.

I was invited to speak at a Church on 'What can separate us from the love of God' the text was from Romans8:35-39. The pastor said  he liked the way I carried on after my husbands death and kept serving and loving God. I on the other hand know it was quite a task because I had questioned God's love, wondered if being a Christian was worth it and wondered if death would separate me from that love. Looking at the Romans passage it struck me that the feeling being separated from God's love is two pronged first one can wrongly assume a decline or a withdrawal of God's love? Secondly, allowing the challenges and unpleasant situations of life get us to a place where we withdraw from him therefore attempting to separate our selves from His love? Thankfully in both cases God's love remains steadfast.

I turned on the TV on Saturday evening and tuned in to the Daystar channel movie of the week. A man who from the little I saw of the movie was either an Angel or the Lord himself took a woman who seemed to be having  a hard time accepting the fact that God loved her unconditionally to a beach by an ocean and asked her if she had ever went swimming in the ocean she answered in the affirmative then he asked if she remembered the wetness of the ocean or if she could measure its wetness she looked at him and said but the ocean is by nature wet in other words you can't separate the ocean from wetness. In my words to experience the ocean is to experience wetness. He then told her that's how God and love is. He is not just loving but love it's self. He then took her to a house with a baby in a cot it seems it was her daughter (when she was a baby) her heart went out to the baby and she wanted to carry her impulsively, he encouraged her to go ahead and then described God's love as being like the love she had for the little helpless baby who at the time of her birth could only eat,sleep and poop. That child didn't need to do anything she was loved just as she was. Imagine this baby didn't even have the capacity to love at the time but it didn't reduce the parents love. In the same manner we are loved because we are God's children and  being loved is part of the rights and privileges of sonship.

I was so blessed and reminded of God's unequivocal love for me. I asked them in the church I ministered how many of them did anything to earn God's love of course none of them so I asked what they could do to 'unearn'  God's love if there is a word like that. I am aware that sin has consequences and we sometimes have to live with the consequences of bad decisions, sin, failure etc but at no time does God's love for us cease. God remains righteous and hates sin but he loves us unconditionally the Bible says while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. We didn't do anything to make him love us neither do we deserve it. Look at it this way before we were born Christ had died for us and loved us in advance. Nothing we do or go through can seperate us from God's love. God can rebuke us, chasten us but He never stops loving us instead His heart breaks when we sin or fall.  He keeps reaching out to us in love. The fact that your husband died doesn't mean God doesn't love you instead let God's love lift you don't believe the lies the devil tells you that the challenges , sorrow,lack or even death has the capacity to seperate you from God's love because it doesn't when all fails cling to His love it's more than enough.

If anything I believe God's love for us is at its highest when we go through pain ,loss or suffering. If like me you have struggled with God's love because of grief know it 'that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'!

It's Me Lord

The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Jeremiah 31:3

Apart from my entire life changing drastically after the sudden loss of my husband, it signaled the beginning of questions about my relationship with God and most importantly His love for me. Many times in the early days and weeks i heard myself telling God 'it's me Lord,Halima remember the one you love so much, the same Halima and Tunbosun that you engraved in the palm of your hands'. I would go on trying to remind God that He loved me (as if He had forgotten). I believed He loved my family and i too much to allow us suffer in anyway. How could a God who said he loved me so much take my husband so early. Somehow the tragedy of my husband's sudden death and a loving God didn't mix. We loved God and served Him and I felt His part of the deal was to keep us safe and bless us that included the blessing of long life. So why did He deny my husband the privilege of living long....and then my thoughts would inadvertently return to 'it's me Lord' you love, me remember, such thoughts constantly reverberated in my mind. 

My Provincial  Pastor was sitting with me one of the days and I blurted out 'maybe it's because I didn't pray enough' I had been whipping my self up trying to figure out why God took my husband. The many people that came and said things like 'agh the devil did it, didn't you get a hunch in your Spirit, God must have spoken to  but....., you have to be prayerful' etc did not help matters (amazing what people say to you when you loose a loved one) People haven't changed much since the days of Job and his friends who kept telling him he must have sinned or failed in some way or the other and was receiving the punishment he deserved from the righteous God. I remember telling God at a point that it wasn't their fault but His after all if He didn't take my husband every Tom, Dick, and Harriet (Harry) wouldn't come into my home and judge me or  analyze a situation they really didnt know anything about. Anyway back to what i was saying  I had worked up my self to a point where I believed if I had missed it somehow and maybe God's love had been replaced by His anger prayed.You see the thing was i was putting finishing touches to my Masters degree thesis while preparing for a film festival at work for which i was the Festival Director plus the regular routine of being  wife,mother, pastor's wife and children church teacher. I often had to work late into the night and be up early to a busy schedule and my prayer time became less.  Somewhere in my mind was the thought that God was not happy with me for not spending as much time as I should with him and so He withdrew His love and didn't bother to watch over us as He usually did. Thankfully my pastor's response was that God wasn't like that and he asked if as a mother i would punish my children by killing them if they offended or hurt me? The truth is I wouldn't even think of it so why would I think God who loved me more than i love my children do that. Though i knew God's nature to be love  my grieving heart was questioning this love.

I was invited to speak at a Church on 'What can separate us from the love of God' the text was from Romans8:35-39. The pastor said  he liked the way I carried on after my husbands death and kept serving and loving God. I on the other hand know it was quite a task because I had questioned God's love, wondered if being a Christian was worth it and wondered if death would separate me from that love. Looking at the Romans passage it struck me that the feeling being separated from God's love is two pronged first one can wrongly assume a decline or a withdrawal of God's love? Secondly, allowing the challenges and unpleasant situations of life get us to a place where we withdraw from him therefore attempting to separate our selves from His love? Thankfully in both cases God's love remains steadfast.

I turned on the TV on Saturday evening and tuned in to the Daystar channel movie of the week. A man who from the little I saw of the movie was either an Angel or the Lord himself took a woman who seemed to be having  a hard time accepting the fact that God loved her unconditionally to a beach by an ocean and asked her if she had ever went swimming in the ocean she answered in the affirmative then he asked if she remembered the wetness of the ocean or if she could measure its wetness she looked at him and said but the ocean is by nature wet in other words you can't separate the ocean from wetness. In my words to experience the ocean is to experience wetness. He then told her that's how God and love is. He is not just loving but love it's self. He then took her to a house with a baby in a cot it seems it was her daughter (when she was a baby) her heart went out to the baby and she wanted to carry her impulsively, he encouraged her to go ahead and then described God's love as being like the love she had for the little helpless baby who at the time of her birth could only eat,sleep and poop. That child didn't need to do anything she was loved just as she was. Imagine this baby didn't even have the capacity to love at the time but it didn't reduce the parents love. In the same manner we are loved because we are God's children and  being loved is part of the rights and privileges of sonship.

I was so blessed and reminded of God's unequivocal love for me. I asked them in the church I ministered how many of them did anything to earn God's love of course none of them so I asked what they could do to 'unearn'  God's love if there is a word like that. I am aware that sin has consequences and we sometimes have to live with the consequences of bad decisions, sin, failure etc but at no time does God's love for us cease. God remains righteous and hates sin but he loves us unconditionally the Bible says while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. We didn't do anything to make him love us neither do we deserve it. Look at it this way before we were born Christ had died for us and loved us in advance. Nothing we do or go through can seperate us from God's love. God can rebuke us, chasten us but He never stops loving us instead His heart breaks when we sin or fall.  He keeps reaching out to us in love. The fact that your husband died doesn't mean God doesn't love you instead let God's love lift you don't believe the lies the devil tells you that the challenges , sorrow,lack or even death has the capacity to seperate you from God's love because it doesn't when all fails cling to His love it's more than enough.

If anything I believe God's love for us is at its highest when we go through pain ,loss or suffering. If like me you have struggled with God's love because of grief know it 'that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'!

It's Me Lord

The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Jeremiah 31:3

Apart from my entire life changing drastically after the sudden loss of my husband, it signaled the beginning of questions about my relationship with God and most importantly His love for me. Many times in the early days and weeks i heard myself telling God 'it's me Lord,Halima remember the one you love so much, the same Halima and Tunbosun that you engraved in the palm of your hands'. I would go on trying to remind God that He loved me (as if He had forgotten). I believed He loved my family and i too much to allow us suffer in anyway. How could a God who said he loved me so much take my husband so early. Somehow the tragedy of my husband's sudden death and a loving God didn't mix. We loved God and served Him and I felt His part of the deal was to keep us safe and bless us that included the blessing of long life. So why did He deny my husband the privilege of living long....and then my thoughts would inadvertently return to 'it's me Lord' you love, me remember, such thoughts constantly reverberated in my mind. 

My Provincial  Pastor was sitting with me one of the days and I blurted out 'maybe it's because I didn't pray enough' I had been whipping my self up trying to figure out why God took my husband. The many people that came and said things like 'agh the devil did it, didn't you get a hunch in your Spirit, God must have spoken to  but....., you have to be prayerful' etc did not help matters (amazing what people say to you when you loose a loved one) People haven't changed much since the days of Job and his friends who kept telling him he must have sinned or failed in some way or the other and was receiving the punishment he deserved from the righteous God. I remember telling God at a point that it wasn't their fault but His after all if He didn't take my husband every Tom, Dick, and Harriet (Harry) wouldn't come into my home and judge me or  analyze a situation they really didnt know anything about. Anyway back to what i was saying  I had worked up my self to a point where I believed if I had missed it somehow and maybe God's love had been replaced by His anger prayed.You see the thing was i was putting finishing touches to my Masters degree thesis while preparing for a film festival at work for which i was the Festival Director plus the regular routine of being  wife,mother, pastor's wife and children church teacher. I often had to work late into the night and be up early to a busy schedule and my prayer time became less.  Somewhere in my mind was the thought that God was not happy with me for not spending as much time as I should with him and so He withdrew His love and didn't bother to watch over us as He usually did. Thankfully my pastor's response was that God wasn't like that and he asked if as a mother i would punish my children by killing them if they offended or hurt me? The truth is I wouldn't even think of it so why would I think God who loved me more than i love my children do that. Though i knew God's nature to be love  my grieving heart was questioning this love.

I was invited to speak at a Church on 'What can separate us from the love of God' the text was from Romans8:35-39. The pastor said  he liked the way I carried on after my husbands death and kept serving and loving God. I on the other hand know it was quite a task because I had questioned God's love, wondered if being a Christian was worth it and wondered if death would separate me from that love. Looking at the Romans passage it struck me that the feeling being separated from God's love is two pronged first one can wrongly assume a decline or a withdrawal of God's love? Secondly, allowing the challenges and unpleasant situations of life get us to a place where we withdraw from him therefore attempting to separate our selves from His love? Thankfully in both cases God's love remains steadfast.

I turned on the TV on Saturday evening and tuned in to the Daystar channel movie of the week. A man who from the little I saw of the movie was either an Angel or the Lord himself took a woman who seemed to be having  a hard time accepting the fact that God loved her unconditionally to a beach by an ocean and asked her if she had ever went swimming in the ocean she answered in the affirmative then he asked if she remembered the wetness of the ocean or if she could measure its wetness she looked at him and said but the ocean is by nature wet in other words you can't separate the ocean from wetness. In my words to experience the ocean is to experience wetness. He then told her that's how God and love is. He is not just loving but love it's self. He then took her to a house with a baby in a cot it seems it was her daughter (when she was a baby) her heart went out to the baby and she wanted to carry her impulsively, he encouraged her to go ahead and then described God's love as being like the love she had for the little helpless baby who at the time of her birth could only eat,sleep and poop. That child didn't need to do anything she was loved just as she was. Imagine this baby didn't even have the capacity to love at the time but it didn't reduce the parents love. In the same manner we are loved because we are God's children and  being loved is part of the rights and privileges of sonship.

I was so blessed and reminded of God's unequivocal love for me. I asked them in the church I ministered how many of them did anything to earn God's love of course none of them so I asked what they could do to 'unearn'  God's love if there is a word like that. I am aware that sin has consequences and we sometimes have to live with the consequences of bad decisions, sin, failure etc but at no time does God's love for us cease. God remains righteous and hates sin but he loves us unconditionally the Bible says while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. We didn't do anything to make him love us neither do we deserve it. Look at it this way before we were born Christ had died for us and loved us in advance. Nothing we do or go through can seperate us from God's love. God can rebuke us, chasten us but He never stops loving us instead His heart breaks when we sin or fall.  He keeps reaching out to us in love. The fact that your husband died doesn't mean God doesn't love you instead let God's love lift you don't believe the lies the devil tells you that the challenges , sorrow,lack or even death has the capacity to seperate you from God's love because it doesn't when all fails cling to His love it's more than enough.

If anything I believe God's love for us is at its highest when we go through pain ,loss or suffering. If like me you have struggled with God's love because of grief know it 'that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'!