Watch with Me

Then  saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

Matthew 26:38 (KJV)

In this part I will like to mention some unkind, insensitive and unnecessary comments by church folk, friends and men of God. 

During my husbands one year memorial/ thanksgiving service to appreciate God's faithfulness to us in that difficult year the pastor preached an excellent,heart war mining and encouraging message he talked about great men of God who in our opinion might be considered to have died early but said God was concerned with us fulfilling purpose and it's not how well but how long. He spoke of John the  Baptist dying early but having fulfilled his assignment this resonated so well with me because God had ministerd that to me and I included John the Baptist life and death in my book it was like he had read the book but then it was only made public the evening before and he was not there because he was coming from a journey. A senior pastor got up to lead prayers for the family after the message and said something about John the Baptist being beheaded because he did what he wasn't asked to do that is rebuking Herod for taking his brothers wife. So 'if John the Baptist had kept to his assignment he wouldn't have died' I couldn't believe my ears. To start with I believe God expects us to speak out against injustice and sin. I read a book once and the author said for every generation of evil doers and wicked people that includes leaders or should i say especially leaders that He will judge the christians who lived at that time and sat on the face doing nothing. No wonder in Nigeria today some people think some pastors are feeding off corrupt government officials instead of rebuking them or simply telling them the truth of God's word and whatHe expects of them. Secondly, even if you believe what this pastor said, was a memorial service a good place to say so? To me it was so insensitive and that's putting it nicely.

A widow shared how either at her husband's funeral or somebody else's funeral  someone shared from Isaiah 57:1 it talks of the righteous dying young to deliver them from the evil to come another Scripture I found so comforting. A pastor now comes up to say there is nothing like an evil day and the person who died  had died an untimely death. Can you beat that! Talk of insensitive. Why do some pastors talk like that? A pastor is a Shepherd and should be a lover of people, tender, loving. At a meeting about 2 years ago a sister shared how she had got to a point where she was suicidal and would have committed suicide but God intervened through a pastor. The pastor ministering got up to rebuke her saying she would have gone to hell and he wanted to tell anyone who thinks like that or says stuff like that they were toying with God's judgement blah blah blah.  Incidentally this lady had been sitting next to me and had shared me her story.  Her parents were wealthy but the fathers siblings had taken e everything  and subjected them to a very hard life of abject poverty and struggles my heart broke for her. Thankfully people hushed the pastor.

I remember a pastor telling me they needed to pray for me and separate me from the dead presumably my husband. In respect and because I was meeting him for the first time or so I didn't answer. As far as I am concerned I have never been attached to the dead it is normal to think of my husband, miss him or dream about him that doesn't mean I am connected to the dead. The Bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord based on this and many other scriptures I know once a believer dies such a person is in heaven. 

It's not just pastors but brethren in church can be the same or even worse I won't share because in the course of talking on the reproach of widowhood I have cited some instances. In my book I have a chapter titled 'Watch with Me' taken from today's scripture Jesus was about to face a painful, shameful ad horrifying death on the cross it was the most difficult moment of His life and he needed His diciples to watch with Him, pray with Him and just be there for Him in a difficult time. He didn't need judgment or theology. If Jesus could need  people to be withHim in that difficult time it goes to say that we all do. When we do find our selves in the company of those who are grieving we should be sensitive and relate with them in love instead of trying to prove we are ' spiritually correct' or whatever it is so called men of God or Christians try to prove when they do what they do. One hallmark of christianity is love and if there is ever a time we need to show love it's in times like that. 

Avoid insensitive and unnecessary statements and practices- show some love

Broken by Reproach 2

Cursed  be he that perverteth the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow. And all the people shall say, Amen. 

Deuteronomy 27:19 (KJV)

I'll continue from where I stopped last week

3) The widow could be married off to a sibling or relation of her husband- I heard a widow recount her story on radio and she said a particular relation who was suppose to inherit her slept with her and discarded her. She was handed down to others who kept sleeping with her but not making any commitment to her. She did so because the only way she and her children could be given anything was if she remained married  in that family. Another reason this is done is if the man did not have children or a male child the child she has by his relation is considered his son. Another widow had to sleep with some of her husbands colleagues and boss to get paid his benefits. I remember a widow we interviewed years back who had two girls  and she had to go get pregnant ( don't think it was by any relation of the husband) because she had to produce a male child that will be considered heir to the husband before anything was given to her. It took about 10 or more years of legal and spiritual battles and her giving birth to a boy out of wedlock to get anything. The brother in-law had taken everything and locked her out of her home.

This is the 21st century and women are by no means property that are owned by a man and treated as if they were a piece of furniture meant to be used and discarded. Men that insist on holding on to these negative practices usually do so because they are selfish, wicked and greedy they usually don't mourn their brother but focus on what they can get from what he left in my opinion they are a sad representation of what a man should be. Sadly women are at the forefront of ensuring widows go through these practices.

The list goes on but I believe we all get the gist. In concluding this part I will say a word to perpetrators of these wicked practices that add to the sorrow of widows and sets them up for reproach. Life is in the hands of God and regardless of the circumstances under which a person dies if God doesn't allow it the person won't  die. So please don't label a woman a killer especially when deep down you know she is not but because you have eyes on her husband's property you afflict and reproach her.  Also desist from afflicting her in the name of tradition. If you cant help her then let her be. It may look like she is helpless and vulnerable and you can get away it  but remember today's scripture you may just be bringing a curse on your self and maybe your generations after you. Deuteronomy 10 :18 says God ensures the widow and fatherless get justice. Exodus 22:22-24 is frightening but God doesn't just say things He follows through on what He says. God is solidly behind that widow and He will fight for her. You may have the strength, financial muscle or influence to face men and have things go your way but with God it is an entirely different ball game...you can't fight Him. 

A word for widows who are victims of all these. Please don't be like a sheep led to the slaughter have your own people around you even when going to the village for burial. Families and churches should learn to stand by their sisters or daughters. I refused to wear only 3 or 6 clothes it was a decision I had to make. I wasn't rude but I was firm. Some times widows put themselves in a I am so helpless position in the name of I am to traumatized to speak for my self or stand for what is right. Other times she feels by resisting or speaking out it will be termed as acceptance of guilt or she will be considered as not mourning since she has the strenght to  fight injustices. All these are just part of the schemes of the wicked to keep you under. The violence against persons bill has been passed into law in Nigeria and it includes sanctions for negative widowhood  practices. There are many CIvil Society Groups and organizations working to help such people but sometimes you must reach out. The law is on your side, many decent God fearing people are on your side and above all God Almighty is on your side so don't suffer in silence speak out and seek help.

Broken by Reproach

Thou  hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour: mine adversaries are all before thee.  Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none.

Psalm 69:19-20 (KJV)

In the second part on the Reproach of widowhood I listed some things or reactions to widowhood that elicit stigma and reproah. This week i will continue with some traditional practices against widows that are demeaning and must be stopped.

1) Sleeping in the same room with the corpse or drinking the water the body was washed with, being shaven and taken to a shrine to swear an oath of innocence -  this  is done to prove the innocence of the widow if she drinks the water and nothing happens to her then she is innocent but if she falls sick or dies as a result then she is guilty. Now imagine the man died of Ebola or some other dreadful disease chances are that she'll fall sick and probably die. If she is the cause of her husbands death and takes an oath terrible repercussions can be expected.  Many times these so called shrines are nothing but manipulations of men and demon spirits. There may be women that have killed their husbands and husbands that kill their wives but they are usually the exception and not the rule. 

Most women infact well over 90% will not kill anyone let alone their husbands especially when there is no gain whatsoever to widowhood. In spite of this, many of our cultures still consider the woman as the first suspect even when it is so obvious that she had nothing to do with the man dying.  Asking a woman who has just lost her husband to drink the water the corpse was washed with or leaving her alone to  sleep with the corpse is one of the most wicked and inhuman acts any person can do. The night my husband died I went to the hospital and saw him lying dead in a police van for almost two years I couldn't get that image out of my head if i closed my eyes to sleep that was what I saw even now many times it flashes through my mind its been a battle if I had spent that whole night with him alone I don't know for how long that traumatic memory would have been ectched in my mind.

2) Wearing  black or particular clothing for one year- my mum dislikes black clothes. Over the years I found she would make comments like why black if you wore a black dress or skirt. Even when she sees people in black she comments sometimes adding how she doesn't like black. There are many beautiful black dresses, suits, skirts etc and I doubt if there is anyone who doesn't have a black outfit but for her it's a no go area. I later realised her dislike for black is most likely because she had to wear black for a year after my father died and black just brought back painful memories.

After my husband died  I was told by some of my inlaws that they would make a set of 3 or 6 outfits that would be my clothes for the next year. I asked to be shown from the Bible where this was a requirement I remember one or two persons saying ' it's in the Bible' okay simple, show me? I still Dey wait. When I refused I was now told to pick the same number from my clothes dull colours and wear only them then after the year I give them out or burn them hmnnn....

People believe this proves you are actually mourning and the one year signifies the period of mourning. After which i guess you are  expected to close that chapter of your life and move on, i wish it was that simple. The only thing this achieves  is to push the widow into more grief and make her stick out like a sore thumb. If you wear black or the same set of clothes  everyday for a year people are bound to ask why then you get all sorts of mixed reactions making it difficult for you to move forward in your grief and with life.  Its like you carry a spirit of grief around and you are announcing here comes the widow dressed in black. The clothes will naturally fade and wear out because they are worn so frequently making the widow look a sorry sight.  

Even if it is a personal decision to do so i believe the widow should be encouraged to at least look presentable. I recall for the first year I wasn't really interested in clothes and couldn't be bothered about dressing up but I tried to look decent even at that when I saw my pictures from my daughters High School graduation which was about four months after my husband died I was horrified at how I was looking.  I looked so so sad and dejected. Unfortunately some people want you to look like that for the rest of your life.

Life can be hard and for many widows especially in this part of the world it can be really hard. The Psalmist that wrote Psalms 69:19-20 can easily pass for a widow because the way he expressed himself captures the very essence of what many widows experience.  But there is a balm in Gilead who knows and understands. You may have been broken by reproach, robbed of your dignity and self esteem but God calls you precious . He says with everlasting kindness He will have mercy on you and help you.  So shall it be for you in Jesus precious  name. Amen.